Valentines Cards that were rejected:

For men:

“If it wasn’t for lack of confidence, I’d be with someone far more attractive that you.”

“Since I love you, could you please zero my bank balance a week earlier this time?”

“Giggling doesn’t make a fanny-fart attractive. Ever.”

“Now you’re in your thirties, short hair makes you even MORE attractive!”

“I only watch films with Cameron Diaz in them so I can sleep with you!”

“If I knew who Dolce and Gabbana were I’d kill them now and eat their intestines. Please enjoy that skirt that cost this week’s wages!”

“It’s not natural, it’s a rainforest and I have no intention of going to either.”

“You use your teeth when you give a blow job, and that scares me a little bit.”

“Yes, I was thinking about Angelina Jolie, but otherwise I’d have fallen asleep again.”

“It’s not just a car; it’s the thing I pick up Dundee girls in.”

"Yes, the neighbours DO think you are a bunny boiler. But you go like a bunny and squeal like a whore. You didn't think I stayed because of the cooking did you?"

For Women:

“Love is a four letter word. Try and learn Clitoris cock-face.”

“Could you flash me one more time, I’m sure next time it’ll be funny!”

“If it was supposed to go up there, Buddha wouldn’t have designed it so that last night’s curry went the opposite way.”

“If you tweak my boobs enough, you’ll reach Jazz FM.”

“I’d like an orgasm this side of my menopause.”

“If you do it during my period, you love me. If I do it when you’re excited, I want to sleep and can’t think of a decent excuse.”

“If you learnt anything from porn, I wouldn’t be so angry when I caught you.”

“My Bra is not a ‘Krypton Factor’ challenge.”

“I only watch soap operas so I can find out how other people leave dicks like you.”

“I knew you were lying about your secretary to your friends because she was busy sleeping with me.”

"You made me the secret Lesbian I am today."