If Jesus returns... Kill him again...

Merry Xmas and a happy new year.

Well that's another yuletide overwith, and only a few more days to go until my own personal favourite non-religious holiday: Hogmanay. Don't get me wrong, I like all you Jesus-worshippers. I especially that whole "We're celebrating Jesus - now let's taunt the kids with a Pagan Santa".

Being without a decent internet connections has revealed two rather strange things to me. One is that I like the strange norse word: Ragnarök (go look it up). The other is that the only forum I've missed reading is the Siol forum. This is surprising since I tend to read a lot of forums, and apparently the only two which I've actually missed is the Siol forum, and the Doctor Who forum (which I don't even contribute to).

Normal service on the blog will be resumed at some point with a couple of more interviews, and some footage of me sacrificing a goat to the Devil* and the odd piece of chicanery and comment.

I'm bored now and am going. Stay beautiful bloggerinos.

*I may or may not ACTUALLY be sacrificing a goat to the devil. It depends on my mood.

Interview with an Independentista... Dave Coull... [the activist]

Dave Coull is a pro- independence activist of well-known reknown. Sometimes loved, sometimes disliked, always controversial and more than often right if you take the trouble to listen... Tragically for Dave the News of the World preferred to insult and defame him rather than listen to what he had to say. The same, obviously, is true of factions within the pro-independence movement. That's a shame, because fighting amongst ourselves doesn't help ANYONE.

Anyway, to the interview. Ladies and Gentlemen: Mr Dave Coull...

Q: Now that you’ve had some time to digest the NOTW article, what are your thoughts on it?

A: That article was a distortion of the truth. Every single alleged "quote" from me was in fact a MIS-quote which distorted what I had actually said, and every single comment from the NOTW was also a distortion. For instance, they turned my garage into a "chicken coop" because they thought that would sound funnier. Because the article was so blatantly inaccurate I wanted a "right of reply". I didn't want to sue for libel because I wasn't after money, just a correction in the NOTW. I consulted a lawyer about this, and he did write to them. They just ignored the letter. My lawyer advised me that the Murdoch Corporation, which owns the NOTW, would prefer fighting a lawsuit to publishing a retraction. He said they never retract anything, even if they have clearly been proved wrong. They are an extremely wealthy corporation with a team of very expensive lawyers who won't give an inch even in a very small case because of the precedent it could set. My lawyer said unless you're a multi-millionaire, forget about trying to take them on. I am not happy about this, and I'm not giving up, but any action is going to have be something else, not through lawyers and courts.

Q: The reaction from the pro-Independence lobby was not good. Why do you think this was?

A: Well, for a start, I reckon so far as quite a lot of folk in the SNP, or who are supporters of the SNP, are concerned, they feel they've got an SNP government, and there will be a referendum on independence sooner or later, so anybody who is demonstrating about this now must be some kind of nutter, and that made them more ready to believe anything the NOTW said about me. Then, so far as a lot of folk on the Left are concerned, there was the precedent of the Tommy Sheridan case. Quite a lot of folk in and around the old SSP, whichever faction they sided with in that party's troubles, probably took the view that I should have known what to expect from the NOTW, and, while what was printed was a distortion, by agreeing to talk to them I deserved everything I got. I had in actual fact been quite reluctant to talk to the NOTW, and would have preferred some other member of Determination to do so, but if I had refused they would probably have made a story out of that refusal, and printed something along the lines of what they were planning anyway. And let's not forget the split in Independence First. For folk who supported the closing down of the IF members forum, and the suppression of dissenting views, the NOTW describing me as some sort of impossible mister angry provided a very convenient way of shifting the spotlight off their OWN responsibility for the resignation of fifteen IF members. So, there's three reasons why some pro-independence folk didn't show solidarity with me.

Q: Is there any response you would like to make about the article?

A: I have written a detailed rebuttal of it. Do you want that? (FFX n.b. I have emailed DC over this).

Q: In your opinion, how will Scotland get its Independence from London rule?

A: I think it will be a combination of factors. There is the international context to consider, and the importance of international public opinion should not be underestimated. Generally speaking, I think the anti-war movement internationally is likely to be supportive. There is also the question of what is happening in England. A lot has been made recently of English Nationalism in reaction to the growing assertion of Scottish independence, but let's not forget that we also have our friends in England who support Scottish independence for positive reasons. Here at home, obviously the SNP government does have a role to play, and Alex Salmond is one very smart Alex indeed. But there are dangers in relying too much on any government, or on any political party, or on any Great Leader. If the troubles of the SSP with Tommy Sheridan proved anything, it was that relying too much on a charismatic leader meant it was a total disaster when something went wrong for that leader. It is important that the independence movement doesn't rely too much on any one leader, or on any one party, or, come to that, on any single campaigning organisation. We should support the initiative of the Independence Convention in promoting a petition aiming at one hundred thousand signatures, but not fall into the trap of seeing that as the ONLY way of campaigning. So far as our group, Determination, is concerned, our contribution will probably be quite small, but, nevertheless, I think it important to have an independent voice which is pushing hard for a referendum and for independence without delay, and not following anybody's party line. All of these factors will play their part. Sooner or later we will get our referendum, I am absolutely certain there will be a decisive majority for independence, and although there will be all sorts of obstacles placed by various elements of the British establishment after that, if we keep pushing hard, and remember to seek and keep the support of folk in other parts of the British Isles, and folk in Europe, and folk in the wider world, I think Scotland will be independent within a few years.

Q: [Since I’m a republican] Are you a Republican or a Monarchist?

A: The only reason I have never described myself as a republican is because I tend to be a bit anarchistic in my attitudes, and the word republican tends to imply support for a government as long as that government doesn't have a king or a queen!

Q: If you had to make one statement about Scotland, right now, what would that statement be?

A: REFERENDUM NOW - INDEPENDENCE - YES OR NO

Give us a damn elected President...

Apparently... your humble narrator was wrong in suggesting Freddie Windsor as being the Royal at the centre of the blackmail plot mentioned in the London Times at the Weekend.

Both Ninemsn and The New Zealand Herald name Viscount Linley as being the target of the blackmail plot. Throneout offer a lifetime supply of smarties to the person who posts the offending video on the internet. I'll match their "lifetime supply of smarties" and up that to a "lifetime supply of cremola foam and the entire Bruce Springsteen back catalogue".

This isn't a personal thing, this is almost entirely political. Our masters have decided that it is better for us to have amatuer, inbred socialites to take the top job in Scotland (President / King / Supremo / etc) rather than someone who WE can select.

Linley is 12th in line to the throne. That means that if there is a couple of car accidents we get someone who clearly isn't qualified for the role to get the job.

Sack the royals. Sack Westminster. Give a real parliament or build a bypass through that shithole in Holyrood.

J'accuse Freddie Windsor...

Royal correspondents in the "Royal Blackmail" story seem to think that Lord Frederick Windsor is the prime candidate for the target of the "sex act" blackmail on a junior member of the Royal Family.

A poster on Kevin Williamsons blog seems to think that "Sex Act" equates to one of Fergie's brats. I doubt it, because "sex act" in the tabloids almost always translates as "blow job". Factor that it with Lord Freddie already being openly gay, and a user of Cocaine (mentioned in original Sunday Times article). The "blow job" could easily be one of the Fergie girls, but the small price of the blackmail: £50,000 factored in with Freddies gayness and admission of cocaine use leads most thinkers towards him.

Being the staunch republican I am, it's always pleasant to note which Royals want to assassinate each other, shag each other and generally misrepresent the common people who make Scotland great.

Trip

I took a trip to Ben Lomond with friends... These ur the photies....










On the car trip there...










By yon bonny banks...










Another of those bonny banks...










Pier and hill










Sometimes you're better off back home...











We stop to spy some Heilan coos...










Another photie of them heilan coos...











Car window and landscape











Watering hole...











Another watering hole, with friend and kid...











My lunch











Kid number two bothering truck....

Ego

I have to put with Lanarkshire hot-heads barking at me on the phone. This means that after work, the last thing I want to do is communicate with the outside world. Still... my main survival mechanism is honesty. Brutal, blatant honesty. It bruises a few egos, but it usually works. Australia, however, has exploded this principle to a massive campaign against young drivers. And it's genius....

Read this: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/7045178.stm

It's a good idea, int'it? Don't attack the man, attack his ego.

Now onto Football fans... I've holidayed in a couple of weird places, one of which was a city in the Ukraine called Chernovtsy. This news story though highlights how little regard most football fans have for the reality of international problems. Football fans are morons, and this isn't an anti-english thing. I'm including Scots who join the Tartan army in various eastern european destinations and whichever set of supporters it is, seem surprised that they're not treated the same as if they were travelling to Falkirk. If I travel abroad (which is a rare occurance) I make sure I'm prepared and know a bit before a go over. The most football fans seem to manage to pack is the football shirt of their choice and the hope that whichever distant abroad destination they're travelling to is a bit like they're home town.

Still, funny in the ego states this week was Menzies Campbell who seemed surprised and perturbed by the fact that he was considered old. At 66. This particular hemisphere of the planet is often chastised for a lack of respect for the old. Well put it this way, respect is earned and if our pensioners don't have it, then don't look to younger generations as the source of the problem. They were the ones enacting the laws and raising the young who disrespected them. Ming was as guilty of his folly as the emperor who ordered his new clothes. He took a job and fucked it up. He underestimated people's views on his age, and failed to prove how much of a sage he was.

There's even a few in the Nationalist movement for whom I certain amount of complacency when I think of them. Ian Hamilton QC (whose blog is here) is one who has made me think. Not in a good way. For the Nationalist movement, he should be a hero. Someone who should sit at a fireplace somewhere and recount for the umpteenth time his story about the Stone of Destiny. But what I read is the ramblings of an eccentric more fitted to the BBCs Grumpy Old Men programme than someone one should respect. He seems happiest when baiting a reaction. This is something I can entirely understand, and probably HAVE done time and again, but for the life of me I'm struggling to see the point in this old relic and those like him, anymore. I don't want to read more coy defence or old age repentance, I want to hear a bit more politics and a bit more fire. I guess this is a hangover the the implosion of the Socialists and it's subsequent and interminable naval-gazing. Ian's turning into something out of Dickens or Shakespeare and not whatever he's being cast by the Nationalist movement as this week.

Risk Factor: Cannabis...

I was browsing the interweb, and found this rather weird website documenting (seriously) some "notable names" and general biogs thereof. Fair enough. Then I noticed on Kirsten Dunst's biog the term: "Risk Factor: Cannabis". In addition they provide a helpful definitive list of Hollywood A-list Dopeheads: http://www.nndb.com/lists/352/000083103

My personal favourite surprises on this list were Tony Bennett and Ted Bundy. Clearly Ted had either smoked too much or not nearly enough. It's that balance that's the bitch, obviously.

From what I can tell, it seems that if you're a creative type, smoke more weed, but if you're political you're fucked.

I guess it's slightly ironic then that the main political party "pro" cannabis was the one which got paranoid about who was sleeping with who, when, if they paid for it, whether they'd go to jail or not and how they don't speak anymore. Ach... poor SSP. The same thing happened with the Beatles. Too much weed and then bring sex into the mix. Bad shinto happens.... And lets be honest, neither Wings nor John Lennon's solo career was as good the Beatles. Be honest.

Still, this isn't an anti-cannabis rant. I've tried it. It wasn't as good as alcohol, but I'm not sure I'd sign a petition about how offensive / inoffensive it is. I'm not sure what this is...

Council Tax and the SNP

The SNP are a nice bunch. They want rid of the Council Tax and want to get Scotland Independent. They want wars to end and everyone to be nice, non-racist and groovy. It's like we put Karen Carpenter into power.

But there's something not quite right. Something they haven't answered. I've asked on discussion boards and never received a reply from pro-indy activists. I've asked on boards where some people claim to like me. I've asked on boards where it's rats nest. And still... no reply.

And no-one answered me. No-one even tried. Any time I brought it up, it was like... nothing.

My query is relatively simple. And I decided to ask Nicola Sturgeon since she was deputy Prime Minister (or Deputy First thingy) and also because I quite like her Bay City Rollers haircut.

I'd post you the letter I sent, but it's on my work's computer and I'm here... you can figure it out.

I asked, simply, this: I like your idea for scrapping the Council Tax. But I want to know what happens when you transfer the jobs from the Local Authority to the Inland Revenue. Do the staff members at the local authority get fired?

Before you start thinking about your own position, consider a few things I know before you jump to any conclusions. Firstly, there's over 4000 people employed across Scotland in Council Tax. Unlike some Trade Unions, Unison (which I'm a Steward for) doesn't mind striking. We've struck for pensions, pay, conditions and a whole myriad of issues. (er... there are a few bad bits, but lets gloss over them as "irrelevant" for now...)

Next, lets time travel back to a few years ago to Carolyn Leckie at an SSP Cumbernauld public meeting about the Council Tax. An old couple asked her a variant of my question. Carolyn replied: "Well... the Council can employ them elsewhere." Don't be fooled by Carolyn's reputation, that reply was dumber than you'd get from a page three girl. To "employ" them elsewhere you either have to create jobs for them where the skills they have match the skills they are going into (but we already know the jobs are going to the Inland Revenue and so that's out the windae). Alternatively, you can redeploy them to other parts of the Council. 4000 people. You see the problem?

The problem is in paragraph 3 or Raymonds reply. The SNP don't know what they're going to do with 4000 people willing to strike and take the shine off their sexy "Scrap the Council Tax" policy. This is an achilles heel of the policy and... I'm disappointed in the Government for that.

You could go for sour grapes and go: "Och well, they're all tax collectors and probably deserve it." Maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong. It doesn't matter. The point is that with a unionist press and lots of striking people the SNP will get a battering in the polls. If they'd thought this out, this wouldn't be a problem.

The obvious answer is to simply transfer the lot: lock, stock and watercoolers to the Inland Revenue (or whatever Scottish Version Eck and Gnasher have up their sleeves. But consider this: I pay £8 per month subs to Unison (the general fund, not the New Labour fund). Since a different trade union exists in the Inland Revenue, do you honestly think Unison is going to ignore the loss of £32,000.00 per month in subs to the PCS (who represent Civil Servants in the Inland Revenue) without striking about it? At the very least Labour is going to exploit it, and for me, the SNP haven't thought up an argument against it.

I want a fairer tax for the people, but I don't want that done by resorting to Thatcherite mass sackings in doing so. I want the Scottish Government to prove it has the mettle and (ignoring my atheism for a moment) the Wisdom of Solomon to solve a problem before it comes up. And I'm not confident they've done so.

Legends...

I'm slightly more interested in meeting a few of my bloggerino's than reading the news right now.

Take Leonna for instance, she's linked to me and she's like an internet superstar... Far too many stalkers that one wee paisley lassie should have, but if she needs hauner's I'm there... See me... I'll do anything for a link! Even Michael G has linked to me and he's like a left-wing icon these days (honestly guys: Tommy Sheridan is his bitch...)

Anyway: Legends, yes, Princess Diana: hmm.... Tony Benn... mmm...

Various videos and new articles have appeared detailing all the conspiracy theories concerning how / why / when Princess Diana died. Now, admittedly my Republicanism means that I could officially give a crap how / when / if a member of the Royalty died... but this time it was all rather public and obvious.

The strange inevitability of Diana's death meant that we plebs couldn't get a respite from the conspiratorial moral panic. We couldn't escape the Daily Express diary of Mohammed Al Fayed's Illuminati theory about how his son died. And honestly... who can blame him. "Hi... my son got himself engaged to a Bond Villian's ex-wife. Do you want a bagel?"

Throw into this mix Tony "Wedgewood" Benn and his incessant "I'm the best Socialist. Ever. No contest. Tommy Sheridan can fuck right off and George Galloway is a cunt." Seriously... I'd rather have Tommy and all his sexaholic problems than George Galloway or Tony Benn any day. I could officially give a fuck if he got jiggy with SSP party members or not. My only regret from the SSP is that Katrina Trolle didn't pose with Chanelle from Big Brother in a Daily Star spread.

I mean honestly, who believed Diana's crocodile tears for all her weapons of Mass destraction and land mines, and who believed that it wasn't Tony Benn who shut down the Scottish mines for Hunterston and Torness Nuclear power stations...

What pisses me off, isn't pointless deaths, it's pointless beliefs. You have all the answers to your legends lies and you believe them. THINK!

Cry Me a River

So... an Independence Activist gets hoodwinked by the News of the World and what does the Independentistas do? Er.... slag him off...?

Excuse me?

Okay. Here's what happened... Dave C, in an attempt to get a referendum organised a small protest outside the Scottish Parliament. I joined in, took photos and they were then circulated to other Determination members. (determination is a small pro-independence grouping).

Dave was then contacted by the News of the World's hack: Jacqueline McGhie. They did a bit of a jokey piece, bit unflattering and made some stuff up. Still, for my money, it got the posters in, the protest in and made a bit of noise that four people and one camera really shouldn't be able to make.

Still... if you listened to the forums online it's the end of the world, Dave is the anti-christ and "get it right up him". That's bullshit, we should be standing together as pro-indy supporters. But nooooo.... apparently the spirit of unity has been replaced with madness.

I've had enough of internet forums, I honestly have. People develop cajones on these places where they didn't have any before. So... they can all officially go to hell. I'm done with them.... *washes hands* I figured that if I had anything to say, I'd just do it here.

So... to the indy activists curious about my opinion on the NOTW Dave C article? Dave stood up when he didn't have to, and put himself on the line and risked a lot for a good cause. You may not like him. Right now, I officially could not give a crap whether any of you liked him or not. HE had the balls to stand up. AND he attempted to liaise with the press to get his message across. He got burned. He should not be slagged off, he should be fucking lauded. And for those people who put their personal opinions of a human being before the fight for independence. My message to you is on the paragraph below.

Right. If you don't like a human being, or how that human being has treated you, then fine. But if you put that personal dislike before the fight before Scottish Independence, and bitch on the internet: I'm officially done with you. A reality check here, bitching on internet forums isn't going to free Scotland. Protests outside the Scottish Parliament are going to do a LOT better than me typing on this blog and YOU typing on whatever forum you prefer. And incidentally... you've got three hundred fucking years of oppression to bitch about from the Brits and there are people who seem to prefer policing the Independence movement than getting stuck into the unionists. Did I miss a meeting? Did I miss the point of who the enemy was. For those of you who claim to believe in Independence and have used forums to slag Dave off. You need to sort your priorities out. You need to ask yourself which side you're on. And more importantly, you should be really fucking ashamed of yourself.

So... you have an opinion about how an Independence Activist conducts themselves? Cry me a river, see how much of a crap I give, go sort yourself out and show the rest of us how IT SHOULD BE DONE.

A very British coo... [a machiavellian perspective on the Scottish Parliament]

I have this conspiracy theory. It's speculation, mostly, with a bit of hard experience thrown in.

First of all, lets briefly brush past Machiavelli:

"A wise ruler ought never to keep faith when by doing so it would be against his interests." Niccolo Machiavelli

Wendy Alexander got a skelping in the press for her inept debut in the Vichy Parliament a few days ago. For one, I was nervous of Wendy. She IS quite bright, though a bit mouthy (no pun intended).

Labour, since before the election, has been distinctly lacking it's usual tactical nuances. This means one of two things: one, the gradualists in the SNP are suddenly brilliant. Or two, Labour is intentionally allowing it's Scottish Branch to fail.

Now, you'll find lots of threads, fora, fauna and articles about the former "we're braw" position, but very few of the machiavellian position. I thought I'd bring it up. Here is my conspiracy theory.

Henry McLeish was the man who was confident that a Scottish Parliament would all but wipe-out the SNP. It was intended to take three-party UK politics into a new era and eliminate demands for Independence by providing the Scottish People with definite and legitimised powers. He was wrong, he was sacked, and instead New Labour in London was sidled with a parliament which instead hightened feelings of an Independent Nature.

Not only that, the nats have sidelined their Bay City Rollers Govan Temptress into "co-pilot" position and sent Walter the Softie back for retraining. Meanwhile, the charismatic one, "Eck", is back in charge. The People adore Eck, and London has bombed the crap of enough countries for people to get a bit sick of the current situation and want a change.

As a result of all the London policies: ID cards, wars, economic problems on the horizon, and a Nationalist election win up north, you fact a dilemma. If you fully back up the Labour Party in the Scottish Parliament, you legitimise it, and more importantly, prolong it. If, however, you intentionally subvert Scottish Labour in the light of an impending election loss in Westminster, you do a number of things. The Liberals and Tories are weak in the Vichy Parly. As are the Greens. There's no Socialists anymore. If you intentionally weaken the Labour Party, you leave only one strong party: a minority SNP government who can't get a vote through because there isn't enough of them. That's because of Proportional Representation.

With weak british parties in opposition in the vichy parly, you can isolate the SNP in a situation where it can never get a decent vote through. You can't lose a Westminster election to the SNP because you've reduced and Gerrymandered the seats conveniently enough. After that, you have a Westminster government with a strong legitimate government (whichever party wins) and slowly but surely you erode public confidence in the Scottish Parliament enough until people will THANK you to get rid of Holyrood and bring back all Westminster rule.

The one thing you CAN'T do, is to provide serious opposition to the SNP inside the vichy parly. If you do so, it allows Alex Salmond to perform and get his ratings up. Put on a boring, businesslike display, and he should remain stifled. You can even switch leaders, transfer the good ones to Westminster and leave the SNP to rot in their minority government.

So there's my conspiracy theory: Wendy Alexander isn't meant to succeed, she's designed to fail. She's designed to make the Scottish Parliament LOOK like a waste of time. She'll pick pointless fights on irrelevant issues that will be buried inside the tabloids, while Gordon Brown hogs the front pages with Westminster issues. The "social value" of the Holyrood project will be subverted by and for Westminster's benefit. And "social value" is the key here. It's a matter of public perception and confidence in their elected members. With the SNP in minority government, it's unlikely to get key votes through. Not the kind of key votes it needs to legitimise the parly without enough powers.

Blastoff.... Rock X (my Science Fiction Novel) released on t'internet...

http://stores.lulu.com/kennethsheerin and http://www.lulu.com/content/384612 are both the locations where you can buy my Science Fiction Novel.

Yes... I wrote it myself. Yes.... it's probably historically inaccurate... BUT... it's funny. And... it's not my fault any of the failings you MAY or MAY NOT find!

It's YOUR story. At some point in history you found that you were not the dull, self-deprecating individual that you thought you were. You thought that those two or three DVDs you have in your collection which you have singularly failed to unwrap was because you didn't like the movies concerned or because you were "an individual"! I'm afraid not. Let me point this out... when you are asked to "think of a card" you're one of these people who think of either a face care (queen of hearts or jack of diamonds) or a black number card.

You have a mission to complete, and the narrator of this tale will tell you how you got that point. But first... you need to finish you mission.

This is your story...

A person inside a bottle of ginseng always destroys a monkey!

Angus Council Saltire Petition and a vijjoh...

A while ago I posted a youtube I'd made called "Saltires... Everywhere". Happily this has now reached 3000 hits! Woo-hoo! That's almost respectable...

Anyway, to the point of the post.

http://www.montrosereview.co.uk/news/Council-flag-plan-branded-antiScottish.3193927.jp

This Scottish-Cringe decision is reprehensible. I don't need to tell you why...

Anyway, do me favour and pop along and sign the petition here: http://www.petitiononline.com/saltire

Pop Star Rant

Apparently KT Tunstall has gotten stuck into Scottish Independence in this post... Before I get to my rant however, please consider this...










On the left... President Laura Roslin of the Battlestar Galactica, on the right, er, KT Tunstall... (I think). Separated at birth... two space cadets. Aye thang kew...

To the rant though... I know only a few Scots who've left these shores to go to America. One of whom is President Matthew (mentioned in a previous post) and the other is... well... erm... that's it really. The rest I've read about in the press on seen on TV.

Every Scottish song you'll read in the "big groovy book of Scottish Songs" concerning not being in Scotland has the same motif: "eeeven thoooughh ah'm on eeeassster iiissslaaandddd I still wwaaaaannnttt taaee beeeee in Scccoootttttlllaaaannnddd...!" Think Caledonia, or virtually anything you'll hear at new year.

The tartan army are evidence of this hypothesis. They drink the beer, shag the locals and fuck off back home again telling the rest of us how homesick they were. Aw the nice.

But pop stars. No... that's not for them. No... they like to take pot shots. We're "nasty" "arrogant" "drunks" "the old country" and a host of other petty insults, vague backhanders, malevolent comments amid the general luxury of getting felt up by whichever pickup artist they've deigned to let entertain them for that night whilst out their heads on cocaine.

I'm sorry... no... I'm not about get off my high-horse whilst a series of drunken, dope-headed nonentities have slagged off where they came in the vague hope that Bono or Madonna will jump them in whichever coy charidee event their publicist said it would be cool to turn up at.

My most abject contempt is reserved for the inevitable cop out you get from Scottish popstars and celebs abroad when they've said they'd blow up govan if they had the chance only to realise that their next video is to shot amongst govan's sharpened pitchforks. The persona-non-grata of worthless excuses: "The press misreported me." No they didn't. Like the rest of us, at some point in your pointless existance you fucked up and regret what you've said. I get that same crappy excuse every day in my day job. Someone sends them a letter, and they phone me. They've ignored the previous fifteen nice ones and want to rant at me for the one nasty one they get. So to make sure I can't tell them off, they say: "I never got those letters." So while they're gearing up their rant engines I tell them that every other caller has told me that and that the Post Office isn't that bad. Then I shout at them until they hang up.

I have a grudging respect for Billy Connolly though. No... listen to me. If I went up to Billy Connolly, I reckon he'd stand up for himself and what he said. He might say I misunderstood the joke, or that he DID think such and such. But the rest of our celebs? I fucking doubt it, brothers and sisters. I reckon if either of the Maryhill Mob (who sometimes read this) took KT aside, or even Lulu when she got stuck into home rule as well, I reckon we'd get a host of excuses about how "that wasn't what she said".

I have several policies I'd like to see enacted. Some aren't relevant to this rant, but they're along the same theme (ish... very ish...)

One. If you decide to become involved in the "entertainment industry" and then fuck off abroad, we reserve the right not to let you back in when you've slagged us off in the press. Your family (who will no doubt disagree) can officially "fuck right off" since they spawned you.
Two. Anyone who gets a driving license has to take anger management lessons for six months being being allowed to continue to drive.
Three. Women should have subtitles detailling what they actually mean as opposed to what they actually said.
Four. All celebrities should come with "as much a lying and cheating bastard as any politician is" mental health warning.

Pant... pant... I feel much better for that rant...

Dag-nab it...

Occasionally I get caught on film.

And even rarer... I have to put all photos on the interweb.

http://www.taghairmdubh.com/determination.htm

Yep... your narrator has been a-protestin' and it's been caught on camera. MY camera in fact. I didn't know other people knew how to work it...

Vice City Stories

Okay. So back three or four years ago my mate Matthew finally found a girl not only willing to put up with him (props for that Elise!) but who, apparently, was also willing to breed with him. And so the world consequently got itself two more Celtic Supporters. Unfortunately for me, my best mate then went to live in Florida.

You'd think Florida would be a great place to live, but apparently they've got even more nut jobs than we do. See his last email below:

"Are you Irish?" woman asks

"No, Scottish."

"You sound Irish, well you sound all alike!"

"Are you Mexican?"

"That's disgusting...."

She walked away. This shows the true real Southern people of the USA, believe me it can get worse.

If anybody you know who says, 'Florida is great' Tell them to come to Citrus County, basically, tell them not to go to Tampa, Orlando or Miami

Second lady was telling me, that her son is living in Germany and married to a Finnish girl.In Finland, income tax is 68%, health system is in excellent order, streets were clean, landscape is beautiful and there is no worry about their National Insurance/Social Security.

So after I've become Governor of Florida, I'll be back to be President of Scotland. Income tax will be 70%, council tax will be 5% value on all homes, if you live in a house worth over 200,000 you will pay 15%.VAT will be at 25%. Free health,dental and vision, better public transport. Build a super airport in Croy (trains services to Edinburgh and Glasgow, using my noggin)Then we'll see what happens from there! Put that idea to your friends and see what they think?

Third lady, I just wanted to cry.

Black lady maybe in her late 30's, with a small kid about 6 or 7.

She asked if I was Scottish, told me she went to Scotland loved it, loved Loch Lomond, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Stirling.

Went to Ireland, Galway and Dublin. Then the weird thing about her trip was she took the kid to see the dogs getting trained for the Police and fire brigade.

Then she told me it was a Scottish charity group that took her, the kid and a bunch of other people over.

Carron kids charity group? She was uncertain about the name.

Then the teary moment, her husband died in the 9/11 attacks. I felt terrible, it was a pleasure talking to her and I didn't even ask her name.

MAJOR BLOG NEWS! Novel to be Released!

It's taken me four years, and more than a fair bit of my sanity to complete, but I can finally announce a launch date for my self-published novel: "Rock X"!

Could someone email the Cumbernauld news for me...? I'm a bit shy about this...

Title: Rock X
Author: Kenneth Sheerin
Date Published: 23rd September 2007
Pages: 298
Style: science fiction, comedy
Where to buy: http://stores.lulu.com/kennethsheerin
(from Sep 23rd only though...)

This is the reason why a countdown meter has appeared on this blog, as well as more than a few of the sites I tend to appear on.

Rock X is a surreal science-ficiton comedy novel which I've spent the past few years writing. Influences include people like Douglas Adams, Franz Kafka, Hans Arp and almost every piece of music in my collection.

It's not just an online book... oh no. You can buy an actual paper copy. It's 300 pages long of surreal Scottish Sci-fi.

And you're in it. Yes... YOU. The person reading this.

Novel Blurb...

Rock X is a Surreal Science Fiction Comedy story set in Scotland. Several versions of them, actually. You're in it. Kind of.

You and Max, you know each other, although you may not remember meeting him... Basically you've lost your memory and Max has to recount to you how you ended up so boring and reading pointless messages like this on an internet forum.

You are from a parallel universe. You are from a version of Scotland which is more technically advanced and was never part of the British Union. It's a shame you were on the run, though, otherwise you might have preferred it to here...

Unfortunately, you're not that good at running away and you soon end up captured. So... Max and the girl who refuses to go out with him, Kaz, have to try and rescue you from a parallel universe version of Scotland and if they succeed, you have to help them save Scotland from itself.

T minus 17...

No added sugar

I bought some Asda brand "no added sugar" orange juice for the first time in years. Usually I went for those packs of freshly squeezed something or other because I liked the face I made the first time I drank them. But no... this time I went for the stuff that was reincarnated orange. I had that glass of buddhist orange juice with a tin of "no added salt" Tesco Macaroni Cheese and some toast. The toast had the most taste. I don't know what it is, but to me "no added" means your taste buds get the afternoon off. I'm a smoker, and jeez, if I think something is bland then what's it like for youse who actually HAVE taste buds?

No added [whatever] = no added taste

I've tasted war food. I grew up with weegies who decided that even though they weren't sending any chaps to war, that didn't mean they had to evacuate to somewhere nice. My dads lot, who were Irish, they adopted the shameful family motto: "Fuck you and your bombs, we're sensible." Despite this rather chaotic family tree mixing weegie "come and get some" with Irish "We're not killing for you, you bastards" I had a healthy meal time all around. There was lots of veg, meat, running about and taste. Now, with Jamie Oliver, Channel Four and that prick off of GMTV Doctor Hilary "Botox" Thingy we now have entire supermarkets worth of shite.

See that crappy food your mammy ate? That had taste. That killed the gerries. That built a fucking British Empire (which isn't exactly something to be proud of, since we invented concentration camps an' that) but it's still something that we were able to do. But see that shite we get fed from Sainburys / Asda / Tesco / Morrisons? That stuff, I wouldn't feed my dead dog Patch that garbage.

Patch was a great dog. But that's a story for another time. She used to get excited about going walkies by camping out at the door and barking until I went to get her and she'd jump her front paws towards me, then the door, and then her lead so I knew she wasn't just horny for the front door. She was a lovely dog. Most supermarket food is pish. But that's my point... Right now, I'd eat my beloved deceased pooch Patch before I touch another tin of supermarket-brand Macaroni Cheese.

There are times, in my life, that I'd trade my dream of Scottish Independence, for once chance at a pop at fucking Doctor Hilary Jones. I mean honestly, how much hubris is it possible for one man to have? He's like Pete Docherty without the redeeming musical features. A modern day Sid Vicious with a Stethoscope.

I WANT to buy food that's both healthy, AND tasty. Like that WW2 stuff our grandparents used to make. Not that worthless slop Jamie Oliver and GMTV wants us to buy.

You know, I was making this meat / pasta dish and I had a tin of chopped tomatoes. (oh yes... your narrator can cook. Anonymous comment makers are invited for a meal at chateau firefox at some point to prove this point...) So, I was making my meat / pasta dish. I was thinking about this tin of veg. Tinned tomatos are tasty. So I started getting paranoid... It was tasty, surely that meant it was forbidden. I mean, I wasn't entirely sure if tinned tomatoes was animal, vegatable or mineral or cereal or material. I mean... we don't know. Trivial Pursuit says it's a fruit, but Tesco has them pretty fucking near the vegatable bit for my liking... And bananas, apparently they're a herb. So does that mean they're better in my meat / pasta dish than the tomatoes, because they're herb and not a fruit? How does this work?

You can see my paranoia. And I blame Hilary Jones. Yes. Him, his botoxed lips and his vacuous sincerity when talking to Fiona Philips on GMTV. I've had enough. I want my tin of chopped tomatoes inside my meat / pasta dish with impunity and with NO GUILT.

My pal, Alyson. She's started going to the gym. She now looks superfit. All she eats are cuts of chicken. This complicates matters. Apparently if you're training to be a Motherwell UberAssassin then all you can eat is chicken. I didn't know this. I thought all you needed to be healthy and gym-like is a selection of food. Now, apparently, you choose just the one and eat that foreverandeverandever. Did I miss a meeting?

What happened to turning up on a day of the week and having a meal? When did it become necessary to be Doctor Who to work out what to eat? I mean, we're all told to take Banana's (for Potassium) and Milk (for Calcium) and Irn Bru (for Irn)... Why so many metals? What foods have Aluminium or Copper in them? Do I need some more Mercury in my diet? Can I live without Platinum? I know I should have SOME metal in my diet, I just not sure which metals or why...

And while we're on the subject, can someone please take all those paranoid reporters and their food scares and shoot them? I mean, I can just about take: "Don't eat milk that's three years past their sell by date... you'll die. Screaming." But the stuff like: "Eating too much broccolli turns you into Jools Holland!!!!" makes me want to kill people.

I advocate three food stickers: "Tasty and good for you"; "Meh" and "You'll love it and kill yourself." I could live with the third if only I knew what the hell it was....

Scottish GOVERNMENT

This is a fucking red letter day my brothers and sisters...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/6974798.stm

Yes, yes, yes... I know it's just a BBC article, but if it comes to pass, then it will mark a psychologocal watershed for the march towards independence. To get independence, in my view, you need more than just a vote. You need to hotwire the perceptions of the scottish people. You need to overcome three hundred years of failure and mismanagement to get them to believe, just once, that they are good enough.

And they don't. Yet. I think they WANT to, but haven't quite worked up the courage.

I just had a deja vu about something else, but we're not talking about that, we're talking about independence.

Think about it like this: imagine you not only had the army to defeat an emeny, but also the tactics. But you're only problem is that your army won't commit. If your eventual goal is to win the battle, then surely your first problem is rewiring the psychology of your troops so that they WILL commit. To me, calling a Government a Government is just that. It's about rewiring the perceptions of the Scottish Population. A next VITAL step is Scottish People seeing themselves in an International Context, like... say... a Scottish Six (featuring Scottish AND international news created by and from a Scottish Context). More diplomacy with Europe as well... but we're getting ahead of ourselves now...

Strange Cameraphone Photo

I almost never use my camera phone, due to the fact I've got better ones. So what the hell is this?



















EDIT: This just in... It's the lesser-spotted Maryhill Mob (in latin gerri trightupye) . It's Jaggy Cardoon Thistle! Woo hoo!

Mack the non-Rant

According to my clustrmap thingy, not many Canadians read this blog. So... I say we get stuck into those workshy, anti-independence, moose-fucking bastards.... what d'ye say? No... oh well...

I'm going to introduce to you a series of random statements and you can tell me what you think of them? They've all been said, uttered or whispered at various times to me.

I'm going to make a rare disclaimer (usually I could care less about what the Sun and Record reading public thought about this blog. Fuck it... most of the time complain to the retard about this blog and see just how much of a fuck I actually give.) BUT, this time, the statements below are not mine. Don't be stupid and automatically assume I subscribe to the comment.

These statements are anonymous and will remain that way. I'm merely curious about your reactions to them...

1. English people aren't moving to Scotland because they're trying to colonise the place. They see it as being more white than England is, and do not accept multi-culturalism. They want the white Britain of the 50s television sold them in the 70s. English Incomers are in receipt of racism, they're the cause of it.
   
2. Prince Michael of Albany wasn't the true heir to the throne. You can tell by the fact that he's still alive.
   
3. Socialists who have hubris about their socialism and cringe about their Scottish do so because they prefer sleeping with Socialist Workers to Scottish Nationalists. It's tribal, Kenny, not politics. It never was, not now.
   
4. [In response to my self-righteousness about the SSP being more morally right than Tommy Sheridan] People have sex. End of. Are you fucking Jesus? Who gave you the moral right to judge a man when you've done the same? Even if he did, does the man not have the right to save his fucking marriage?
   
5. [In response a speaker talking about how Wallace was "watching" over us] If she starts talking like Derek Acorah, I'm leaving. [not thought provoking, but it made me chuckle]
6. If the Independence Vote in a referendum was closer to losing than winning, it would be better to sabotage the turnout and gain a short-term loss, than lose the referendum with a big turnout and suffer a long term one.
   
7. You want to know why people like Wallace? It's because they want it done. They don't want pussy politics, they don't want old men hiding behind democracy and pacifism that sold them out in the miners strike and the Poll Tax. They want one man, standing up, ready to fight and to say fuck you to the aristocracy. They want someone to give them their pride back.
   
8. [on why a person didn't vote SSP when I suggested it to them] They claim to be the party of the working man. But all I see is a bunch of people on benefits and incapacity benefit. Nobody seems to give a fuck about the working classes anymore. It's all about the underclasses. Where's our party?
   

So, reason for the disclaimer should be obvious. Anyone any thoughts? If you don't like using bloggers comments system, email me. kenny.sheerin@gmail.com

Joke

T minus 24...

Meanwhile a joke from the Maryhill Mob...

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow polis .
He thinks that he is smarter than the polis because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any scots polis. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow polis's expense!!

Glasgow polis says," License, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow polis says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow polis says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow polis says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
that's the law. License, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow polis says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow polis takes out his baton and starts beating the sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

Wikiscanner outs London Bias

This the story of an IP Address. An IP address is merely the number identification of an internet connection. It’s like your National Insurance Number, but for your internet connection rather than your computer.

Wikipedia, where our story takes place, is an encyclopedia. An encyclopedia YOU can go on to, read and edit.

Wikiscanner is a tool designed to unmask anonymous amendments made to Wikipedia. The following list of amendments Wikipedia entries come from IP Address: 194.60.38.10

Or… as the RIPE IP Address database puts it: 

netnum:         194.60.0.0 - 194.60.63.255
netname:         HOP
descr:           Houses of Parliament
country:         GB

Or more specifically: 

person:          Jon Daniels
address:         Parliamentary ICT
               7 Millbank
               London
               SW1P 3JA

phone:           +44 20 7219 2001
mnt-by:          UK-HOP-MNT
nic-hdl:         JD2618-RIPE
source:          RIPE # Filtered

person:          David A J Hamilton
address:         Parliamentary ICT
               7 Millbank
               London
               SW1P 3JA

phone:           +44 20 7219 2001
e-mail:          postmaster@parliament.uk
nic-hdl:         DH849-RIPE
mnt-by:          UK-HOP-MNT
source:          RIPE # Filtered

Reference: http://www.ripe.net/whois?form_type=simple&full_query_string=&searchtext=194.60.38.10&do_search=Search

The Wikiscanner page I’m using for this search is located here (so you can check for yourself): http://wikiscanner.virgil.gr/f.php?ip1=194.60.38.10&nolimit=1

Tennis Player Andrew Murray is a Twat

This particular computer decided that Andy Murray’s NAME was wrongly designated on Wikipedia. It changed the Wikipedia reference from ‘Andrew “Andy” Murray’ to ‘Andrew “Twat” Murray’.

See: http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?diff=prev&oldid=61357681

Labels: personal insults

Spinning the 40% Rule (Scotland Act 1978)

Spin is what Labour brought to the table when they were elected and you can’t accuse them of not applying the same rules to history…

The simple sentence “The British government rejected the referendum because the condition that 40% of the total electorate should vote Yes was not met, and the Act was repealed by Order on 26 July 1979” was rejected in favour of “The British government accepted the result of the referendum in accordance with the Act. Because the condition that 40% of the total electorate should vote Yes was not met, the Act was repealed by Order on 26 July 1979”.

See: http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?diff=prev&oldid=52659490

Labels: Spin

Tommy Sheridan – Gang Bangin’

In Tommy Sheridan’s Wikipedia reference, surprisingly it wasn’t his old embittered amigos in the SSP who decided to play up the tabloid stories… but… er… the same British Parliamentary IP address as the ones listed above…

They decided to add: “The tabloid stories included allegations that Sheridan had seduced large numbers of young female SSP members, that he used call girls, and that he had accompanied journalist Anvar Khan to an orgy.”

See: http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?diff=prev&oldid=9769410

Labels: personal attacks, defamation of character

Too much time on your hands?

Naturally whichever elected members or parliamentary researchers or millbank technicians altered Wikipedia, its good see they’ve got so much insight, wit and intelligence to keep the Union together…

http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?diff=prev&oldid=30719253

Apparently BBC6 DJ Marc Riley’s musical are all “shit” according to someone called Tom Kiehl.

Labels: Don’t we pay you for something better than this?

The Militant War

In the 1980s the Labour Party expelled a particularly left-wing group of politicians from its ranks, notably people like Derek Hatton and Tommy Sheridan.

Over four separate edits, a series of names were added to the article to make sure no-one was in any doubt who the bad boys were.

This very British computer felt it necessary to tell tales out of school and grass up all the lefties who were chucked out of the labour party.

The baiting failed. The edit acquired “disputed neutrality” tag only succeeded in baiting Militants to actually expand the bloody article.

See for yourself:

http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?diff=prev&oldid=74719741

http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?diff=prev&oldid=74719842

http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?diff=prev&oldid=74720560

http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?diff=prev&oldid=74720997

And the current article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Militant_tendency

Labels: Baiting the commies

The Shona McIssac Edit War

I’m not going to lie to you, I never heard of this wummin until she cropped up on the Wikiscanner. The first thing I noticed was the removal of criticism from Ms. McIssacs Wikipedia reference.

http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?diff=prev&oldid=137413484

Fortunately though, sanity broke out and the same IP address deleted a fictional “she’s married to Frank Skinner” reference. Phew.

http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?diff=prev&oldid=137413658

Er… then it deleted the rest of the article altogether…

I hadn’t heard of this wummin before and now she was disappearing before my eyes… Was she so anorexic that her entire history was disappearing?

http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?diff=prev&oldid=137413803

Phew. Some nice editor who doesn’t mind people knowing his user name called “YJwong” then put it all back up again.

Until my current favour IP address deleted all again. Boo hiss. I was never going to learn who the hell Shona is at this rate…

http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?diff=prev&oldid=137425292

By this point, clearly 194.60.38.10 is getting a bit sick of deleting everything and merely amends the web page by removing that strange reference that she’s married to comedian Frank Skinner by saying: “Deleted stupid and incorrrect reference to her marrying comedian Frank Skinner.” This technically is correct. Apparently she’s married to some guy called Peter. But since would clearly have preferred to delete EVERYTHING… I’m think “Hello Kettle? Erm… It’s pot. We’ve been talking about what colour you are…)

http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?diff=prev&oldid=137434579

I left it there since I got bored… You can understand…

Labels: Censorship

T minus 28 days...

Neurocam and Scotland

http://www.neurocam.com

If you are 'cammer... this blog post is not for you. It's for my countrymen. I'm trying to change their perceptions. Fanks.

In the beginning was the word, and the word was: "Neurocam is not..."

But before we get to that, let me take you back, way back, to Danny Wallace. Danny Wallace was an English writer and comedian. He wrote various boy's adventures with his amigo, Dave Gorman and they both invented a genre of writing that would be copied ad infinitum by lesser comedians. They would document their escapades in book form as a comedy / information / travelogue. Danny eventually wrote on his own (like Dave Gorman would) a book called "Join Me". In it, he put an ad in a newspaper saying: "Join Me" and gave an instruction (to send a passport photo) and to send their address to him. The book documents his attempt to found a "nice" cult. He did so. You can find it here: http://www.join-me.co.uk

Robin Hely, an australian artist, launched a similar project in conjunction with a bunch of people I don't know called "Neurocam" an arthouse project aimed at changing the perceptions of whoever wanted their perceptions changed. They'd use lies, damned lies, obfuscation, espionage mythos and showmanship to "Derren Brown" the general public into compliance. The world would listen, for a time, and it was all secret and mysterious and lovely.

I joined neurocam for a couple of months, and still find myself lurking on their main board, the Neuroboards. Scotland has her own Neurocam, under different circumstances and different names. We have the Stone of Destiny and Roslin Chapel. But nothing modern, and nothing so imaginative. Neurocam is... Derren Brown. It's about using showmanship and creating something from nothing.

What I'd like, is for Scotland to do something as captivating and use it to change who we are. Why? Because we find ourselves stuck inside that moment from Trainspotting where Ewan McGregor / Renton says: "It's shite being Scottish..." We seem stuck inside our ain mediocrity and this depresses me.

What I want my bloggerino's to do, is to type "Neurocam" into whatever search engine you prefer and go down the rabbit hole for a bit. End up on blogs that speak in tongues and learn to be entertained by the name "Chris Titan" or "Teigan".

Finally... think what YOU can do with this new knowledge for your brothers and sisters.

Elderslie Autopsy

Slight music review from Elderslie Wallace Day yesterday. One, Ted Christopher played two sets. One was good. The other was astonishingly good. Albannached played a couple of sets when they eventually turned up. It's the best I've seen them. They blew the roof off the feckin' place. I guess a bit of healthy competition from The Trybe and Clann an Drumma (who I like, but still maintain have a website designed by a five-year-old) is a good thing. Put it this way, I liked the set so much I'm going to try and incorporate it somehow into the novel I'm currently writing.

Anyway, march and rally were both good. The SNP old guard were out in force to flank David R Ross and the Wallace Society elite.

I managed to foist myself on the Feegie Park crew for the night and that was a blast... with the slightly confusing news that a certai RFS co-DJ emailed hunners of her friends to promote my blog and then subsequently sabotaged the entire attempt because I have a link... er... to her...

Props to the Wallace Society for conducting the only raffle in human history to give prizes to everyone in the room. Some of whom hadn't even bought a ticket. I got a bottle of Blossom Hill Wine.

Only thing is... I did the march and rally on autopilot. I spent the march talking to an SRSM amigo about secret behind-the-scenes stuff about fall-outs and shinto. At the rally I met a guy who used to be an old website I did. David Ross did a good job of spicing up his speech and making it good. Other ones though... I've heard it before. And we repeat it because it needs to repeating, because some people haven't heard it before. Billy Wolfe good inducted in the Nationalist Hall of Fame, which was good as well.

I just think we need something different. The parties afterwards: as nationalists, we could give masterclasses in doing shindigs. It's the bit beforehand which we need to work on. It's getting repetitive or just plain boring. This isn't an attack on Elderslie, that was a goody (not in a Bill Oddie sense, you understand). I'm thinking more about Glencoe last Feb. That was farcical and I was partially responsible. It's also the fact that the majority of the talking after the events is about the party afterwards. To me this suggests we still have some way to go selling the message. My enduring memory, though, will be a room full of hairy-knee'd-fundies grooving to Ted Christopher singing the theme tune to Balamory...

Elderslie Reminder

Tomorrow. Elderslie. 3pm.

Go to Central Station, get a train to Johnstone. When you leave Johnstone, turn left. Follow the flags.

It's that simple.

(and thanks to Glasgow for the picture)

History is Dead / Secrets and Allegories

"Libraries gave us power, then work came and made us free." Manic Street Preachers.

Democracy came to us, in it's present form, via the 1832 and 1868 Reform Acts (date for SCOTLAND). These acts successively extended the vote from Sussex males, to neuvo-riches males to the rest of the male population. Eventually it was given to women as well. Alongside this Education (the 1870 Education Act) would seek to educate the masses. Conveniently for people like me these concessions to basic human rights would come after a series of rebellions in Scotland and Ireland. Either way, the working classes in the 19th Century started to have a say in their own affairs, and be able to read and think for themselves.

Literacy, though, is not kind to history. Neither is the present. The John Maclean Society is dead, only existing in the shadowy heirarchy of the SRSM and even then... you can't just JOIN. The 1820 Society barely even warrants a mention on Wikipedia (which will talk about just anything). You can join THAT. While you can... There's even a Thomas Muir of Huntershill Society. But you can't join that, either. It's... secret. The only open, relevant and useful Historical Society today is the Society of William Wallace. Unlike the 1820 Society, it has at it's head the charismatic and alledgedly transexual (no... sorry... that was a joke, wasn't it?) David R Ross.

Why? The Republicans in Scotland exist in the shadows. Secret alliances, hidden agendas and politics for the future don't require propaganda. They require results, and sometimes allowing you to join a historical group isn't the best method of preserving the memory. William Wallace, on the other hand was too stubborn to concede, too stubborn to die when he was supposed to and too stubborn to accept what the hell anyone else had to say about Scotland if it wasn't in ALL our names. Each generation since his eventual death would resurrect him in their own image because of the stark, brilliant and easily malliable for their own intents.

What if I told you there was a veil in Scotland? Political movements behind and beyond apparently benign movements? Should I be posted as a David Icke in the making? I always wondered why the YSI disliked Siol nan Gaidheal. The Siol in my book were the good guys, the ones who silently built cairns, wore black t-shirts and made up the numbers at rallies that would have died without them. It can't have been because of membership, because the YSI were made up of young people, and the Siol have potbellies and drinking habits more akin to Hell's Angels than Student's learning the art.

I was recently told a Story about the Wallace Watcher. It extended something I already knew. At Cambuskenneth Abbey there is a Stone called "the Wallace Stone" where, if you bother to go, you will see a stone directly pointing at the Abbey Craig hill. It is said that one of Wallace's appendages is buried under it, and sometimes a White Rose, or a Thistle is left for him. A minority of people know this legend. Even less know the tale of the Wallace Watcher. On August 23rd, at dusk, a tall man, wrapped in Wallace Plaid in the Old Style, with his face masked by a scarf walks up from the Riverside Ruin, when there's no-one near the stone. He stops for a minute, withdraws a half-drunk bottle of Whiskey, most recently an old Glenlivit, and puts it on the Wallace Stone with a White Rose and a Thistle. He leaves via the Riverside Ruin and is never seen again until the next year. The story is so scant and little know that only those who have bother to go the Wallace Stone on the day can bear witness to the event.

History is the perspective of the present. It often doesn't matter how many people know the truth, but only those few who do.

Today I was in Cambuskenneth and I saw a man at the Wallace Stone, but couldn't see his face. Make of it what you will.

Harry Potter and the How Great is Britain? episode

I have a source. We'll call him: "The Source". He sends me stuff that the British Government is using for Propaganda purposes. This piece is J.K. Rowling's top-secret sequel Short Story to the 7 Harry Potter books. It represents all that is Great and Good in Britain. It's about why we shouldn't be voting for Scottish Independence. It's about how we... You get the point.

Harry Potter and How Great is Britain?
Harry Potter was inside Hagrid’s cabin, at the start of yet another year at Hogwarts. He gazed upon Hagrid’s umbrella, which held the remnants of the wand which had been destroyed when he was a student, like Harry.

Unlike Harry he had bred a big, giant fuck-off spider using Genetic Modification and cloning techniques he had learned at various British Scientific establishments.

Harry was, at that particular moment, performing a “Wingadium Leviosa” spell upon a genetic experiment to see if it was possible to cross a House Elf with the lead Singer of Napalm Death and a Liberal Democrat Backbencher. He curious to see if you can breed something which won’t marry a fucking cheeky girl…

Harry left Hagrid’s cabin and decided to pay a visit to Dumbledore’s grave because Dumbledore died in the previous book. Harry decided to cry for a bit so that the readers would feel some kind of sympathy for a character who was a blatant rip off of King Arthur pre-Sword in the Stone (the event, not the crappy Disney movie).

Meanwhile, back in the Gryffindor female residence, Hermione Granger was speaking with Cho Chang.

“Hi Cho!” quoth Hermione.

“Hi Hermy” said Cho.

“Cho, I’m looking to move out of my parent’s house. Do Wizards do Council Housing?” Hermione asked.

“Yes they do,” replied Cho, “Why do you want to know?”

“Do they have the same rules as a muggle Council for getting a place?”

“Surprising they do!” Cho confirmed.

“That’s good,” Hermione giggled, “Because I’m going to get Ron Weasley to knock me up so I can get to top of the housing list and not have to wait in a list behind English people buying up all the decent properties and, frankly, because I just can’t be bothered!”

“But Hermy, do you know that the Child Support Agency is going to be scrapped and you might not be able to get money off Ron until the ministry of magic fails to replace the previous one?”

“I do, Cho,” Hermione verified, “Ron’s currently at the Career advisor about his future right now.”

Ron Weasley was sitting uncomfortably and nervous in Professor McGonagle’s Office.

“As the token Scottish Person in this series of books, I’m required to help you with your career advancement so that we can move this plot along and pretend that Scots are an important part of this fantasy British sub-culture.”

“Great, Professor McG!” Ron replied, instantly brightening up.

“So, Ron, what do you want to do with your life?”

“Well, professor, since I have ginger hair, stereotypes persist that I’m of Scottish stock living in England, so I’ve got two options, One, I sell Weasley Hollow for a bundle and buy a cheap Scottish Estate and get all my friends to move up nearby. Unfortunately we Weasleys have no money, so I’ve got secret option number 2. I’m in that minority of people who are predisposed by genetics to get schizophrenia from Skunk Cannabis, and therefore I’d like to smoke enough of it to become mentally ill and go on Incapacity Benefit for the rest of my natural life. Thing is, prof, I quite like watching Jeremy Kyle.”

“Go and see Longbottom, Weasley. Amongst other things, he’s Gryffindor’s dealer.”

Because of Neville Longbottom’s links to Loyalist Paramilitaries, he had TWO major items on his life at this point. Firstly, he dealt homegrown Skunk weed and gave half the profits to the Red Hand Defenders and was a screaming Nazi. Secondly, and currently he operated the “Fagwatch” website to out closet smokers. Presently he was trying to decide from a magazine clipping if celebrated German Socialist, Dramatist, Poet and all round good-egg Bertolt Brecht was a smoker or not. He definitely looked like the type to marry a Cheeky Girl.

He was interrupted by Ron.

“Dude, I need some…”

“This isn’t about that Schizo plan you’ve concocted to get yourself on Wizard’s incapacity benefit, is it?”

“Erm… Uh-huh.”

“Seamus told me. That was BY FAR the dumbest thing I’ve heard in years. For one thing, it won’t work. For another, Cannabis is used for several important societal functions. 1) If you don’t like Cannabis: throw out all your records. Most of those cats were high. 2) It makes shit musicians think they can play better and 3) It gives pretentious people a cause to unite around that will never succeed, but will keep them occupied enough so that they’ve avoiding controversial and “important” issues that might benefit them like health, education and communism.”

“So how am I supposed to get Incapacity Benefit?”

“The same boring, inconsequential way everyone else gets Incapacity Benefit. Get plastered the night before and lie.”

“So you won’t sell me any?”

“Nope. I don’t have to. It’s THAT easy to get it. And in doing so I’m breaking all kinds of CSTU regulations.”

“What are CSTU regulations?”

“Cannabis Sellers Trade Union Regulation number one: Never ditch a sale.”

“But what if you’re selling to a muggle copper?”

“Our best customers are muggle coppers! What the hell have you got against muggle coppers?!?”

“So why can’t I get some?”

“Oh. You’re going to get some. Hermione ordered you some Viagra. She needs a Council House.”

Harry, meanwhile, had received a curious summons from Professor Dumbledore. He returned inside and entered the familiar spiral staircase which led up to the Headmaster’s Office.

The current Headmaster, Professor Erik von Markovik had replaced Severus Snape upon the latter’s death. Professor Erik was presently tutoring Ginny Weasley and Cho Chang and so Harry was alone with Dumbledore’s painting.

Dumbledore wasn’t there. It was empty, except for a used Chocolate Frog wrapper. Harry stared at it for a second before approaching the table where the headmaster’s pet usually resided. Fawkes, the Phoenix, was obviously long gone. In it’s place was a pile of runes and a deck of cards. While he was staring at them, Dumbledore appeared.

“Harry…” he stated, almost ‘matter-of-fact’.

“I guess you already know I’m repeating my final year…”

“I do Harry. Do you know why I’ve called you here?”

“Because I had to spend an extra year getting bummed because this is a public school?”

“No, Harry. A dark enemy has appeared!”

Harry spat: “Voldemort?”

“No. Muggle scientists have combined two sets of DNA in a hybrid project aimed at matching Wizard culture.”

“Dear God Professor…” Harry said, shocked beyond repair, “You don’t mean…”

“I do, Harry. The Gordon Brown / Michael Portillo Hybrid.”

“It’s… It’s… inhuman! It will have the mathematics skills of your average big brother contestant, and the dancing skills of ‘South Park on ice’!”

“Yes, Harry. But there is a further problem.”

“It gets worse?!??!?!”

“The hybrid is protected. Harry… You’re about seventeen right now. The protective shield will be difficult to resist for someone of your age.”

“How do I break through.”

“I’ve no idea.”

“What’s the shield?”

Dumbledore ignored the question: “At one end of the room is the Hybrid. All you have to do is turn the life support off and to save us all. For reasons which should unclear to you, but strangely obvious to whomever has bothered to read this far… It’s the button marked ‘Vote Independence’.”

“God that was obvious…”

“I know, Harry, I know…”

“That was so obvious I think I need a shower!”

“Focus, Harry.”

“What’s the shield?”

“I cannot help you. You will need to see for yourself. Go to the Room of Requirements.”

Harry, predictably, went to the room of requirements. Maybe he sauntered. Maybe he marched angrily. Maybe he jumped up in the air and clicked his heels together in glee as if he was a gay jazz fan in a 1940s movie who had just been sodomised by Rock Hudson. Either way, he got to the Room of Requirements.

As promised, at the end of the Room was the Portillo / Brown hybrid. Harry, though, could see the enormity of the shield protecting it. It was designed purely for a 17-year-old boy.

The shield generator was a giant heart shaped bed with pink satin sheets. Inside the bed were Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. Presumably naked. It would be fun finding out. In the background was the classic end-of-the-night School Disco anthem, the one where you danced with the girl you thought you couldn’t get with a hard-on as hard as a Mars Bar just out the fridge: Careless Whisper by George Michael.

Choose Independence or The Olsens… Harry was a half-written English fop designed for Children and fawned over by illiterati who frankly should know better, but either way he was naked faster than a bat out of hell that’s going home for a shag and some kraft cheesy pasta.

Professor McGonagle, however, was the token Scottish. She unfortunately wasn’t married at fifty and was probably a spinster. In my book she’s a lesbian and joined them. Harry thought “Fuck it… Three-way!” and got stuck in. Either way he was a Hogwarts legend.

Eventually…

“But…”

“Just do it, boy!” Professor Snape spat.

“But why do I have to save the day?”

“All I’m asking is that you TOUCH THE BUTTON marked ‘Vote Independence’. It’s not hard. Unlike what you USUALLY touch, you fucking Girls Aloud fan, you… You touch stuff all the time. That’s why we made you wear boxing gloves at night! Otherwise we’d be changing your sheets four times as often as everyone else and CSI viewers would be gathering around your bed with Ultraviolet lamps all the time.”

“Doesn’t Gryffindor usually do this?”

“Potter is too busy shagging to notice. And frankly, I’m the most popular character in the books, so at least ONCE I get some fucking glory. And honestly, it’s not like Daniel Radcliffe is GOING to have a career once this Shinto is overwith…”

And so, for once, Slytherin and Snape saved the day. Kind of.