No added sugar

I bought some Asda brand "no added sugar" orange juice for the first time in years. Usually I went for those packs of freshly squeezed something or other because I liked the face I made the first time I drank them. But no... this time I went for the stuff that was reincarnated orange. I had that glass of buddhist orange juice with a tin of "no added salt" Tesco Macaroni Cheese and some toast. The toast had the most taste. I don't know what it is, but to me "no added" means your taste buds get the afternoon off. I'm a smoker, and jeez, if I think something is bland then what's it like for youse who actually HAVE taste buds?

No added [whatever] = no added taste

I've tasted war food. I grew up with weegies who decided that even though they weren't sending any chaps to war, that didn't mean they had to evacuate to somewhere nice. My dads lot, who were Irish, they adopted the shameful family motto: "Fuck you and your bombs, we're sensible." Despite this rather chaotic family tree mixing weegie "come and get some" with Irish "We're not killing for you, you bastards" I had a healthy meal time all around. There was lots of veg, meat, running about and taste. Now, with Jamie Oliver, Channel Four and that prick off of GMTV Doctor Hilary "Botox" Thingy we now have entire supermarkets worth of shite.

See that crappy food your mammy ate? That had taste. That killed the gerries. That built a fucking British Empire (which isn't exactly something to be proud of, since we invented concentration camps an' that) but it's still something that we were able to do. But see that shite we get fed from Sainburys / Asda / Tesco / Morrisons? That stuff, I wouldn't feed my dead dog Patch that garbage.

Patch was a great dog. But that's a story for another time. She used to get excited about going walkies by camping out at the door and barking until I went to get her and she'd jump her front paws towards me, then the door, and then her lead so I knew she wasn't just horny for the front door. She was a lovely dog. Most supermarket food is pish. But that's my point... Right now, I'd eat my beloved deceased pooch Patch before I touch another tin of supermarket-brand Macaroni Cheese.

There are times, in my life, that I'd trade my dream of Scottish Independence, for once chance at a pop at fucking Doctor Hilary Jones. I mean honestly, how much hubris is it possible for one man to have? He's like Pete Docherty without the redeeming musical features. A modern day Sid Vicious with a Stethoscope.

I WANT to buy food that's both healthy, AND tasty. Like that WW2 stuff our grandparents used to make. Not that worthless slop Jamie Oliver and GMTV wants us to buy.

You know, I was making this meat / pasta dish and I had a tin of chopped tomatoes. (oh yes... your narrator can cook. Anonymous comment makers are invited for a meal at chateau firefox at some point to prove this point...) So, I was making my meat / pasta dish. I was thinking about this tin of veg. Tinned tomatos are tasty. So I started getting paranoid... It was tasty, surely that meant it was forbidden. I mean, I wasn't entirely sure if tinned tomatoes was animal, vegatable or mineral or cereal or material. I mean... we don't know. Trivial Pursuit says it's a fruit, but Tesco has them pretty fucking near the vegatable bit for my liking... And bananas, apparently they're a herb. So does that mean they're better in my meat / pasta dish than the tomatoes, because they're herb and not a fruit? How does this work?

You can see my paranoia. And I blame Hilary Jones. Yes. Him, his botoxed lips and his vacuous sincerity when talking to Fiona Philips on GMTV. I've had enough. I want my tin of chopped tomatoes inside my meat / pasta dish with impunity and with NO GUILT.

My pal, Alyson. She's started going to the gym. She now looks superfit. All she eats are cuts of chicken. This complicates matters. Apparently if you're training to be a Motherwell UberAssassin then all you can eat is chicken. I didn't know this. I thought all you needed to be healthy and gym-like is a selection of food. Now, apparently, you choose just the one and eat that foreverandeverandever. Did I miss a meeting?

What happened to turning up on a day of the week and having a meal? When did it become necessary to be Doctor Who to work out what to eat? I mean, we're all told to take Banana's (for Potassium) and Milk (for Calcium) and Irn Bru (for Irn)... Why so many metals? What foods have Aluminium or Copper in them? Do I need some more Mercury in my diet? Can I live without Platinum? I know I should have SOME metal in my diet, I just not sure which metals or why...

And while we're on the subject, can someone please take all those paranoid reporters and their food scares and shoot them? I mean, I can just about take: "Don't eat milk that's three years past their sell by date... you'll die. Screaming." But the stuff like: "Eating too much broccolli turns you into Jools Holland!!!!" makes me want to kill people.

I advocate three food stickers: "Tasty and good for you"; "Meh" and "You'll love it and kill yourself." I could live with the third if only I knew what the hell it was....