Cry Me a River

So... an Independence Activist gets hoodwinked by the News of the World and what does the Independentistas do? Er.... slag him off...?

Excuse me?

Okay. Here's what happened... Dave C, in an attempt to get a referendum organised a small protest outside the Scottish Parliament. I joined in, took photos and they were then circulated to other Determination members. (determination is a small pro-independence grouping).

Dave was then contacted by the News of the World's hack: Jacqueline McGhie. They did a bit of a jokey piece, bit unflattering and made some stuff up. Still, for my money, it got the posters in, the protest in and made a bit of noise that four people and one camera really shouldn't be able to make.

Still... if you listened to the forums online it's the end of the world, Dave is the anti-christ and "get it right up him". That's bullshit, we should be standing together as pro-indy supporters. But nooooo.... apparently the spirit of unity has been replaced with madness.

I've had enough of internet forums, I honestly have. People develop cajones on these places where they didn't have any before. So... they can all officially go to hell. I'm done with them.... *washes hands* I figured that if I had anything to say, I'd just do it here.

So... to the indy activists curious about my opinion on the NOTW Dave C article? Dave stood up when he didn't have to, and put himself on the line and risked a lot for a good cause. You may not like him. Right now, I officially could not give a crap whether any of you liked him or not. HE had the balls to stand up. AND he attempted to liaise with the press to get his message across. He got burned. He should not be slagged off, he should be fucking lauded. And for those people who put their personal opinions of a human being before the fight for independence. My message to you is on the paragraph below.

Right. If you don't like a human being, or how that human being has treated you, then fine. But if you put that personal dislike before the fight before Scottish Independence, and bitch on the internet: I'm officially done with you. A reality check here, bitching on internet forums isn't going to free Scotland. Protests outside the Scottish Parliament are going to do a LOT better than me typing on this blog and YOU typing on whatever forum you prefer. And incidentally... you've got three hundred fucking years of oppression to bitch about from the Brits and there are people who seem to prefer policing the Independence movement than getting stuck into the unionists. Did I miss a meeting? Did I miss the point of who the enemy was. For those of you who claim to believe in Independence and have used forums to slag Dave off. You need to sort your priorities out. You need to ask yourself which side you're on. And more importantly, you should be really fucking ashamed of yourself.

So... you have an opinion about how an Independence Activist conducts themselves? Cry me a river, see how much of a crap I give, go sort yourself out and show the rest of us how IT SHOULD BE DONE.

A very British coo... [a machiavellian perspective on the Scottish Parliament]

I have this conspiracy theory. It's speculation, mostly, with a bit of hard experience thrown in.

First of all, lets briefly brush past Machiavelli:

"A wise ruler ought never to keep faith when by doing so it would be against his interests." Niccolo Machiavelli

Wendy Alexander got a skelping in the press for her inept debut in the Vichy Parliament a few days ago. For one, I was nervous of Wendy. She IS quite bright, though a bit mouthy (no pun intended).

Labour, since before the election, has been distinctly lacking it's usual tactical nuances. This means one of two things: one, the gradualists in the SNP are suddenly brilliant. Or two, Labour is intentionally allowing it's Scottish Branch to fail.

Now, you'll find lots of threads, fora, fauna and articles about the former "we're braw" position, but very few of the machiavellian position. I thought I'd bring it up. Here is my conspiracy theory.

Henry McLeish was the man who was confident that a Scottish Parliament would all but wipe-out the SNP. It was intended to take three-party UK politics into a new era and eliminate demands for Independence by providing the Scottish People with definite and legitimised powers. He was wrong, he was sacked, and instead New Labour in London was sidled with a parliament which instead hightened feelings of an Independent Nature.

Not only that, the nats have sidelined their Bay City Rollers Govan Temptress into "co-pilot" position and sent Walter the Softie back for retraining. Meanwhile, the charismatic one, "Eck", is back in charge. The People adore Eck, and London has bombed the crap of enough countries for people to get a bit sick of the current situation and want a change.

As a result of all the London policies: ID cards, wars, economic problems on the horizon, and a Nationalist election win up north, you fact a dilemma. If you fully back up the Labour Party in the Scottish Parliament, you legitimise it, and more importantly, prolong it. If, however, you intentionally subvert Scottish Labour in the light of an impending election loss in Westminster, you do a number of things. The Liberals and Tories are weak in the Vichy Parly. As are the Greens. There's no Socialists anymore. If you intentionally weaken the Labour Party, you leave only one strong party: a minority SNP government who can't get a vote through because there isn't enough of them. That's because of Proportional Representation.

With weak british parties in opposition in the vichy parly, you can isolate the SNP in a situation where it can never get a decent vote through. You can't lose a Westminster election to the SNP because you've reduced and Gerrymandered the seats conveniently enough. After that, you have a Westminster government with a strong legitimate government (whichever party wins) and slowly but surely you erode public confidence in the Scottish Parliament enough until people will THANK you to get rid of Holyrood and bring back all Westminster rule.

The one thing you CAN'T do, is to provide serious opposition to the SNP inside the vichy parly. If you do so, it allows Alex Salmond to perform and get his ratings up. Put on a boring, businesslike display, and he should remain stifled. You can even switch leaders, transfer the good ones to Westminster and leave the SNP to rot in their minority government.

So there's my conspiracy theory: Wendy Alexander isn't meant to succeed, she's designed to fail. She's designed to make the Scottish Parliament LOOK like a waste of time. She'll pick pointless fights on irrelevant issues that will be buried inside the tabloids, while Gordon Brown hogs the front pages with Westminster issues. The "social value" of the Holyrood project will be subverted by and for Westminster's benefit. And "social value" is the key here. It's a matter of public perception and confidence in their elected members. With the SNP in minority government, it's unlikely to get key votes through. Not the kind of key votes it needs to legitimise the parly without enough powers.

Blastoff.... Rock X (my Science Fiction Novel) released on t'internet...

http://stores.lulu.com/kennethsheerin and http://www.lulu.com/content/384612 are both the locations where you can buy my Science Fiction Novel.

Yes... I wrote it myself. Yes.... it's probably historically inaccurate... BUT... it's funny. And... it's not my fault any of the failings you MAY or MAY NOT find!

It's YOUR story. At some point in history you found that you were not the dull, self-deprecating individual that you thought you were. You thought that those two or three DVDs you have in your collection which you have singularly failed to unwrap was because you didn't like the movies concerned or because you were "an individual"! I'm afraid not. Let me point this out... when you are asked to "think of a card" you're one of these people who think of either a face care (queen of hearts or jack of diamonds) or a black number card.

You have a mission to complete, and the narrator of this tale will tell you how you got that point. But first... you need to finish you mission.

This is your story...

A person inside a bottle of ginseng always destroys a monkey!

Angus Council Saltire Petition and a vijjoh...

A while ago I posted a youtube I'd made called "Saltires... Everywhere". Happily this has now reached 3000 hits! Woo-hoo! That's almost respectable...

Anyway, to the point of the post.

http://www.montrosereview.co.uk/news/Council-flag-plan-branded-antiScottish.3193927.jp

This Scottish-Cringe decision is reprehensible. I don't need to tell you why...

Anyway, do me favour and pop along and sign the petition here: http://www.petitiononline.com/saltire

Pop Star Rant

Apparently KT Tunstall has gotten stuck into Scottish Independence in this post... Before I get to my rant however, please consider this...










On the left... President Laura Roslin of the Battlestar Galactica, on the right, er, KT Tunstall... (I think). Separated at birth... two space cadets. Aye thang kew...

To the rant though... I know only a few Scots who've left these shores to go to America. One of whom is President Matthew (mentioned in a previous post) and the other is... well... erm... that's it really. The rest I've read about in the press on seen on TV.

Every Scottish song you'll read in the "big groovy book of Scottish Songs" concerning not being in Scotland has the same motif: "eeeven thoooughh ah'm on eeeassster iiissslaaandddd I still wwaaaaannnttt taaee beeeee in Scccoootttttlllaaaannnddd...!" Think Caledonia, or virtually anything you'll hear at new year.

The tartan army are evidence of this hypothesis. They drink the beer, shag the locals and fuck off back home again telling the rest of us how homesick they were. Aw the nice.

But pop stars. No... that's not for them. No... they like to take pot shots. We're "nasty" "arrogant" "drunks" "the old country" and a host of other petty insults, vague backhanders, malevolent comments amid the general luxury of getting felt up by whichever pickup artist they've deigned to let entertain them for that night whilst out their heads on cocaine.

I'm sorry... no... I'm not about get off my high-horse whilst a series of drunken, dope-headed nonentities have slagged off where they came in the vague hope that Bono or Madonna will jump them in whichever coy charidee event their publicist said it would be cool to turn up at.

My most abject contempt is reserved for the inevitable cop out you get from Scottish popstars and celebs abroad when they've said they'd blow up govan if they had the chance only to realise that their next video is to shot amongst govan's sharpened pitchforks. The persona-non-grata of worthless excuses: "The press misreported me." No they didn't. Like the rest of us, at some point in your pointless existance you fucked up and regret what you've said. I get that same crappy excuse every day in my day job. Someone sends them a letter, and they phone me. They've ignored the previous fifteen nice ones and want to rant at me for the one nasty one they get. So to make sure I can't tell them off, they say: "I never got those letters." So while they're gearing up their rant engines I tell them that every other caller has told me that and that the Post Office isn't that bad. Then I shout at them until they hang up.

I have a grudging respect for Billy Connolly though. No... listen to me. If I went up to Billy Connolly, I reckon he'd stand up for himself and what he said. He might say I misunderstood the joke, or that he DID think such and such. But the rest of our celebs? I fucking doubt it, brothers and sisters. I reckon if either of the Maryhill Mob (who sometimes read this) took KT aside, or even Lulu when she got stuck into home rule as well, I reckon we'd get a host of excuses about how "that wasn't what she said".

I have several policies I'd like to see enacted. Some aren't relevant to this rant, but they're along the same theme (ish... very ish...)

One. If you decide to become involved in the "entertainment industry" and then fuck off abroad, we reserve the right not to let you back in when you've slagged us off in the press. Your family (who will no doubt disagree) can officially "fuck right off" since they spawned you.
Two. Anyone who gets a driving license has to take anger management lessons for six months being being allowed to continue to drive.
Three. Women should have subtitles detailling what they actually mean as opposed to what they actually said.
Four. All celebrities should come with "as much a lying and cheating bastard as any politician is" mental health warning.

Pant... pant... I feel much better for that rant...

Dag-nab it...

Occasionally I get caught on film.

And even rarer... I have to put all photos on the interweb.

http://www.taghairmdubh.com/determination.htm

Yep... your narrator has been a-protestin' and it's been caught on camera. MY camera in fact. I didn't know other people knew how to work it...

Vice City Stories

Okay. So back three or four years ago my mate Matthew finally found a girl not only willing to put up with him (props for that Elise!) but who, apparently, was also willing to breed with him. And so the world consequently got itself two more Celtic Supporters. Unfortunately for me, my best mate then went to live in Florida.

You'd think Florida would be a great place to live, but apparently they've got even more nut jobs than we do. See his last email below:

"Are you Irish?" woman asks

"No, Scottish."

"You sound Irish, well you sound all alike!"

"Are you Mexican?"

"That's disgusting...."

She walked away. This shows the true real Southern people of the USA, believe me it can get worse.

If anybody you know who says, 'Florida is great' Tell them to come to Citrus County, basically, tell them not to go to Tampa, Orlando or Miami

Second lady was telling me, that her son is living in Germany and married to a Finnish girl.In Finland, income tax is 68%, health system is in excellent order, streets were clean, landscape is beautiful and there is no worry about their National Insurance/Social Security.

So after I've become Governor of Florida, I'll be back to be President of Scotland. Income tax will be 70%, council tax will be 5% value on all homes, if you live in a house worth over 200,000 you will pay 15%.VAT will be at 25%. Free health,dental and vision, better public transport. Build a super airport in Croy (trains services to Edinburgh and Glasgow, using my noggin)Then we'll see what happens from there! Put that idea to your friends and see what they think?

Third lady, I just wanted to cry.

Black lady maybe in her late 30's, with a small kid about 6 or 7.

She asked if I was Scottish, told me she went to Scotland loved it, loved Loch Lomond, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Stirling.

Went to Ireland, Galway and Dublin. Then the weird thing about her trip was she took the kid to see the dogs getting trained for the Police and fire brigade.

Then she told me it was a Scottish charity group that took her, the kid and a bunch of other people over.

Carron kids charity group? She was uncertain about the name.

Then the teary moment, her husband died in the 9/11 attacks. I felt terrible, it was a pleasure talking to her and I didn't even ask her name.

MAJOR BLOG NEWS! Novel to be Released!

It's taken me four years, and more than a fair bit of my sanity to complete, but I can finally announce a launch date for my self-published novel: "Rock X"!

Could someone email the Cumbernauld news for me...? I'm a bit shy about this...

Title: Rock X
Author: Kenneth Sheerin
Date Published: 23rd September 2007
Pages: 298
Style: science fiction, comedy
Where to buy: http://stores.lulu.com/kennethsheerin
(from Sep 23rd only though...)

This is the reason why a countdown meter has appeared on this blog, as well as more than a few of the sites I tend to appear on.

Rock X is a surreal science-ficiton comedy novel which I've spent the past few years writing. Influences include people like Douglas Adams, Franz Kafka, Hans Arp and almost every piece of music in my collection.

It's not just an online book... oh no. You can buy an actual paper copy. It's 300 pages long of surreal Scottish Sci-fi.

And you're in it. Yes... YOU. The person reading this.

Novel Blurb...

Rock X is a Surreal Science Fiction Comedy story set in Scotland. Several versions of them, actually. You're in it. Kind of.

You and Max, you know each other, although you may not remember meeting him... Basically you've lost your memory and Max has to recount to you how you ended up so boring and reading pointless messages like this on an internet forum.

You are from a parallel universe. You are from a version of Scotland which is more technically advanced and was never part of the British Union. It's a shame you were on the run, though, otherwise you might have preferred it to here...

Unfortunately, you're not that good at running away and you soon end up captured. So... Max and the girl who refuses to go out with him, Kaz, have to try and rescue you from a parallel universe version of Scotland and if they succeed, you have to help them save Scotland from itself.

T minus 17...

No added sugar

I bought some Asda brand "no added sugar" orange juice for the first time in years. Usually I went for those packs of freshly squeezed something or other because I liked the face I made the first time I drank them. But no... this time I went for the stuff that was reincarnated orange. I had that glass of buddhist orange juice with a tin of "no added salt" Tesco Macaroni Cheese and some toast. The toast had the most taste. I don't know what it is, but to me "no added" means your taste buds get the afternoon off. I'm a smoker, and jeez, if I think something is bland then what's it like for youse who actually HAVE taste buds?

No added [whatever] = no added taste

I've tasted war food. I grew up with weegies who decided that even though they weren't sending any chaps to war, that didn't mean they had to evacuate to somewhere nice. My dads lot, who were Irish, they adopted the shameful family motto: "Fuck you and your bombs, we're sensible." Despite this rather chaotic family tree mixing weegie "come and get some" with Irish "We're not killing for you, you bastards" I had a healthy meal time all around. There was lots of veg, meat, running about and taste. Now, with Jamie Oliver, Channel Four and that prick off of GMTV Doctor Hilary "Botox" Thingy we now have entire supermarkets worth of shite.

See that crappy food your mammy ate? That had taste. That killed the gerries. That built a fucking British Empire (which isn't exactly something to be proud of, since we invented concentration camps an' that) but it's still something that we were able to do. But see that shite we get fed from Sainburys / Asda / Tesco / Morrisons? That stuff, I wouldn't feed my dead dog Patch that garbage.

Patch was a great dog. But that's a story for another time. She used to get excited about going walkies by camping out at the door and barking until I went to get her and she'd jump her front paws towards me, then the door, and then her lead so I knew she wasn't just horny for the front door. She was a lovely dog. Most supermarket food is pish. But that's my point... Right now, I'd eat my beloved deceased pooch Patch before I touch another tin of supermarket-brand Macaroni Cheese.

There are times, in my life, that I'd trade my dream of Scottish Independence, for once chance at a pop at fucking Doctor Hilary Jones. I mean honestly, how much hubris is it possible for one man to have? He's like Pete Docherty without the redeeming musical features. A modern day Sid Vicious with a Stethoscope.

I WANT to buy food that's both healthy, AND tasty. Like that WW2 stuff our grandparents used to make. Not that worthless slop Jamie Oliver and GMTV wants us to buy.

You know, I was making this meat / pasta dish and I had a tin of chopped tomatoes. (oh yes... your narrator can cook. Anonymous comment makers are invited for a meal at chateau firefox at some point to prove this point...) So, I was making my meat / pasta dish. I was thinking about this tin of veg. Tinned tomatos are tasty. So I started getting paranoid... It was tasty, surely that meant it was forbidden. I mean, I wasn't entirely sure if tinned tomatoes was animal, vegatable or mineral or cereal or material. I mean... we don't know. Trivial Pursuit says it's a fruit, but Tesco has them pretty fucking near the vegatable bit for my liking... And bananas, apparently they're a herb. So does that mean they're better in my meat / pasta dish than the tomatoes, because they're herb and not a fruit? How does this work?

You can see my paranoia. And I blame Hilary Jones. Yes. Him, his botoxed lips and his vacuous sincerity when talking to Fiona Philips on GMTV. I've had enough. I want my tin of chopped tomatoes inside my meat / pasta dish with impunity and with NO GUILT.

My pal, Alyson. She's started going to the gym. She now looks superfit. All she eats are cuts of chicken. This complicates matters. Apparently if you're training to be a Motherwell UberAssassin then all you can eat is chicken. I didn't know this. I thought all you needed to be healthy and gym-like is a selection of food. Now, apparently, you choose just the one and eat that foreverandeverandever. Did I miss a meeting?

What happened to turning up on a day of the week and having a meal? When did it become necessary to be Doctor Who to work out what to eat? I mean, we're all told to take Banana's (for Potassium) and Milk (for Calcium) and Irn Bru (for Irn)... Why so many metals? What foods have Aluminium or Copper in them? Do I need some more Mercury in my diet? Can I live without Platinum? I know I should have SOME metal in my diet, I just not sure which metals or why...

And while we're on the subject, can someone please take all those paranoid reporters and their food scares and shoot them? I mean, I can just about take: "Don't eat milk that's three years past their sell by date... you'll die. Screaming." But the stuff like: "Eating too much broccolli turns you into Jools Holland!!!!" makes me want to kill people.

I advocate three food stickers: "Tasty and good for you"; "Meh" and "You'll love it and kill yourself." I could live with the third if only I knew what the hell it was....

Scottish GOVERNMENT

This is a fucking red letter day my brothers and sisters...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/6974798.stm

Yes, yes, yes... I know it's just a BBC article, but if it comes to pass, then it will mark a psychologocal watershed for the march towards independence. To get independence, in my view, you need more than just a vote. You need to hotwire the perceptions of the scottish people. You need to overcome three hundred years of failure and mismanagement to get them to believe, just once, that they are good enough.

And they don't. Yet. I think they WANT to, but haven't quite worked up the courage.

I just had a deja vu about something else, but we're not talking about that, we're talking about independence.

Think about it like this: imagine you not only had the army to defeat an emeny, but also the tactics. But you're only problem is that your army won't commit. If your eventual goal is to win the battle, then surely your first problem is rewiring the psychology of your troops so that they WILL commit. To me, calling a Government a Government is just that. It's about rewiring the perceptions of the Scottish Population. A next VITAL step is Scottish People seeing themselves in an International Context, like... say... a Scottish Six (featuring Scottish AND international news created by and from a Scottish Context). More diplomacy with Europe as well... but we're getting ahead of ourselves now...