Wendy Alexander: An Obituary

Would it be too tragic to quote Oscar Wilde’s Requiscat in memory of Wendy’s passing? I don’t think so. Jesus… there were some days when she faced off against Alex Salmond and the Labour Party would’ve been just as well playing a tape recording of an Elk braying in pain over an arpeggio on a Casio Keyboard. Who WOULDN’T miss that lack of ability?

To the tune of “Mandy” by Barry Manilow

Well you came when I’d bearly formed an opinion

And now they’ve sent you away, oh Wendy

And your debating skills made bush look like Oscar Wilde,

So we need you today, oh Wendy!

Naturally this was OUR entire fault. DAMN us for making strong arguments backed up by exhaustive research by qualified accountants, political theorists and BLAST our practicality and accessible political arguments. How can we sleep at night knowing that WE are helping the Scottish People help themselves and not wanting to pour gallons of Oil Revenue and filling Scottish graveyards full of Her Maj’s Weegie finest so we can continue to massacre the Iraqis, Afghans or whoever else it is this week…

“The process of successive SNP-inspired complaints and investigations has been unrelenting and will continue well into the autumn, almost a year after the initial complaint.” Part of Wendy’s resignation statement.

*Raises both fists in air in disbelief* your hands were in the Biscuit Tin, you were CAUGHT in said Biscuit Tin, and somehow this is OUR fault? Yes, yes it WAS our fault. We made that Biscuit Tin all glittery and tempting. We filled it with nice biscuits, like those pink ones you used to get off your Gran but can’t remember the name of… We even had Jaffa Cakes in that Biscuit Tin. We put it somewhere it could be seen, like in a cupboard in the Kitchen. In fact, Wendy’s right. This is a travesty of justice. We should CLEAR HER NAME forthwith. That Biscuit Tin she nicked from was shamelessly whoring itself to the planet. Fuck it, that Biscuit Tin deserved to be violated by Wendy. Give that woman a Victoria Cross for exposing that Biscuit Tin to be the shameless harlot it so patently was. She’s like Woodward and Bernstein exposing President Nixon. Wendy. Saved. Us. All. Phone up the Sun and tell them… Fuck it, phone Richard Dawkins and tell him anaw. Get Nelson Mandela involved! We’ll have a Rally, there’ll be stickers, a petition and the Clash can reform with Joe Strummer’s Zombie corpse and THEN WE’LL ALL KNOW JUST HOW BAD THIS ACTUALLY WAS!

“I have enjoyed the loyal support of my shadow ministerial team, MSPs, staff and Labour colleagues.” More from Wendy’s resignation statement

Was I the only person who read that statement above and imagined 25 Labour MSPs on the Bridge of the Death Star looking hatefully through a window at Tattooine? Them all there with their Grey Uniforms, and Darth Wendy trying to Force Choke Luke Salmondwalker somewhere on the Planet below?

“I have sought to lead Labour in the Scottish Parliament with commitment and conviction without indulging in the personal attacks which have become so fashionable in current Scottish politics.” Another snippet from Wendy’s Resignation statement

Babe, you also led Labour with a bland housewifieness I found VERY suspicious. If THAT was your commitment level then I should point out that I was smoking Skunk Cannabis when I had THAT uninspired level of commitment. That was an interesting night… I nearly committed to learning the Sitar…

“I will of course continue to represent my constituents in Paisley North for as long as they entrust me with their support.” The Final Paragraph from Wendy's statement.

I had this conspiracy theory, not that this in anyway will reduce the obvious joy-quotient of Paisley North residents knowing that Darth Wendy will still inhabit their own personal part of the universe, but this theory was that Wendy was intentionally being shit. I’m going to be honest here, I found Wendy Alexander quite fanciable for a Labour MSP. And she’s obviously a smart cookie; she’s debated well before and then became leader and turned into something that would fail an audition on Loose Women. I don’t care in my “leader of men” is in an enemy party, I want them to have more Savvy than either Jacqui Brambles or Carol McGriffin. It’s a tough rule, but a fair one, I think…

It seemed to me as if the Labour Party were intentionally throwing the Parliament. They knew their fortunes were keech UK-wide, that the Tories were on the rise in England, and so decided not to argue too hard (to avoid creating headlines) for the Parly and make all the headlines in Scotland about the UK parliament, thus undermining Devolution for the period they AREN’T in office. My thinking is this: the Labour Party thinks they’re doomed at the next General Election to the Tories. So, they undermine the value of the Scottish Parliament knowing that Cameron will be the new English Hammer of the Scots and when it comes around to the NEXT set of Scottish Parliament elections (2011) Scottish Labour can leap in as Saviors, heroes and will rescue Scotland from the inept Nationalists. With the help of those commendable Liberals, natch. All the Liberals and Labour have to do in THIS Scottish Parliament is not take it seriously, and only try and thwart the REALLY big manifesto points the SNP wants through: like the Referendum and the Local Income Tax.

As an aside: I hate Liberalism for three simple reasons. It’s passionless. It doesn’t speak from the heart. It believes in nothing. It’s this passionless, “make it up as we go” attitude that perplexes me. I want my politics to have so much passion they want me to dance naked in a field with them. I want to feel like I’m making a difference just by being on the same side as my politicians, not that I’m only there to talk about coffee mornings or deliver bland leaflets which are demographically drawn up, targeted to that specific environment and aren’t in any way controversial to anyone. Heaven forbid.

My view is that Wendy will be followed by Cathy Jamieson or some other bland clone, and then by someone else until it gets close enough to an election to field a decent candidate (Pauline McNeill, Glasgow Kelvin MSP and current Shadow Justice Meenister) and only THEN will the revolving door stop and Labour will move their proverbial car into top gear and seek to save the Scots from themselves by being, feeling, voting… BRITISH.

But this, of course, assumes Alex and Nicola aren’t going to capitalise on their current position. Presently, I don’t believe that the Labour Party HAS anyone of the calibre of either Alex or Nicola. Nicola was hypnotic at Bannockburn this year. There were rumours that Alex blew us off for a Golf lesson. If he did, props for that. It’s that kind of debonair confidence and trust in his deputy we NEED. If Salmond gets a 2010 referendum and the Local Income Tax taken seriously (it’ll never see the light of day, sorry, there are too many holes…) then the Union is scuppered and my Labour Conspiracy theory is scuppered.

And there’s politics in a nutshell: You are being played, by everyone, all the time. Every single member, never-mind every MSP, has their own agenda and playbook they’re working ALL THE TIME on YOU: Joe McPublic. Enjoying it, are we?

Nicol Stephen: An Obituary

So. Farewell then,

Nicol Stephen,

Lib Dem leader.

You’ve gone now,

And I can’t remember

What you

Sounded like.

Still…

It’s not like

Anyone ever

Made the mistake

Of switching your

First and last name

And that you were too

Polite to correct them…

Oh.

When great statesmen retire, it’s usually like listening to Nessun Dorma. There are waves of emotion and drama and everyone gets all misty-eyed. Commentators reminisce; old women get just a wee bit wet… (cos they’re still human…) Old men wish they HAD BEEN… him… Even the enemies, usually, say how much they enjoyed the ripostes they had, which is nice.

When a Lib-Dem goes, it rarely rates much of a reaction. Nicol, of course, is no different. He, apparently, was a nice guy. Woo hoo. Hope the family are cool an ‘at…

For a millisecond I wondered if there may be some Spooks-style premise where a bunch of Spies, watching a Glasgow Hotel for potential Al Qaeda operatives, had to untie Wendy and Nicol from the same auto-erotic escapade gone wrong that we all know happened to Michael Hutchence and then forced them to cover it all up by inconveniently quitting at the same time for different reasons. I have to concede though: this may not have been the case.

Between Wendy and Nicol, and M & S apparently going down the tubes, this is well turning out to be Lemming Thursday for the Brits. The economy is going to hell, the Unionists charged with messing up Alex and Nicola’s cunning plans have all decided that they’d rather be somewhere else. And if all that weren’t crappy enough, the best chance the Housewives of Sussex had in Wimbledon was some guy who said that he’d rather support anyone but the English Football team.

I should, of course, either be lamenting or crowing the passing of Nicol. I have no particular angle on Nicol, though, except that like most Liberals, I’ve never believed for one minute he spoke from his fucking heart. When Pauline McNeill went postal during the night on May 3^rd slagging off the SNP, I absolutely loathed that. But, I DID respect it, because it was genuine emotions. When Socialists at various counts wanted to make their feelings known about what they’d like to insert into the BNP candidate, where and just how often: I respected that brutal honesty. And when Annabel Goldie, is being coy and hilariously good in Parliament: I can respect that. I don’t need to agree, but I can at least respect certain things despite basking in their inevitable wrongness.

Here’s the problem with his resignation: he left because he wuvs his famiwy. Aw the nice. It may well be true, for all I know, but that’s like saying you didn’t pay a bill because it got lost in the post. No-one believes you, and you would at least get some respect for making something up. Here’s my rewrite of Nicol’s departure as it should have been:

“My fellow Liberals. I’d just like to say that these however-long-it’s-been months have, basically, rocked like fuck. Menzies… Ma runnin’ dawg! *points to audience where Menzies Campbell nods approvingly* Mikey… Mr Rockin’ Rumbles! Take this party, and those other puppies in the parly to the cleaners pal!

“So why am I leaving? I’ve… had a dream. It wasn’t about going to a mountain, and reaching the promised land. But that IS in this queue. Behind what I’m about to confess.

“I am pleased to announce that I have been cast as ‘Macavity, the Mystery Cat’ in Cats, the musical… Oh no, Mikey, not in the West End! Brothers and Sisters: Nicol Stephen is off to Broadway!” And then he stomps off the stage.

It would be even better if simply DID (after making the above statement) just leave politics for his family. It would perplex the hell out of the press and would, frankly, be the most interesting thing to happen in Scottish Politics since we all heard why Nicola Sturgeon got the nickname “Gnasher”.

Politicians, when they leave, can be witty and interesting and speak from the heart. I forgave the Tory Michael Forsyth when he arrived late at the Scottish Office, to hand over to Donald Dewar, grumbled about the traffic to the watching press and media and wryly said: “I blame the government.” THAT is at least being gracious in defeat.

I mean… to get angry for a bit… It’s not like there’s much competition. 12 idiots in a secret televised house in London where the collective IQ adds up to one of the Cans of Irn Bru you’ll get from a Scottish Parly vending machine. Either that or some horny, hormonal, forgettable flake from Eastenders / Corrie / X factor… There IS NO competition here. AND they don’t have an excuse. Ordinary people are great, and fascinating. No… really… you are. It’s the only reason I travel on Public Transport. Whether it’s those badly-dye-jobbed single mothers using their buggies to create an unsolvable maze to negotiate trying to get off; or the shy-to-the-point-of-autism being badgered by someone so extroverted they’ve probably sang “Shang-a-lang” at Simon Cowell at the Glasgow Auditions…

Politicians are intentionally dull because they don’t want to offend anyone. When has that EVER worked in Scotland? It’s what we do best. Late at night, in Glasgow, coming out of the Blue Lagoon underneath the Heilanman’s Apron, it was something of a ritual to stumble past a group of neds who thought it funny to bat the fish supper from underneath to see how many chips they could misplace. Or that one tragic occasion when a group of Irish Students passing the Park Bar in Glasgow, see me and my mates in kilts returning from an Arbroath rally, start making flute band impersonations and wondering just why my crazy friend was trying to explain to him, in the loudest possible terms, that he should sort his blinking life out.

My theory is that politicians are trying to dumb us all down. The reason that the Socialists want Cannabis legalised is because they want easier access. The reason that the Liberals want it is because they want us all to be as boring, tedious and navel-gaspingly shallow as their own party is.

Evolution of the Dark Places

I take it that you've noticed the redesign, the name change and the fact that this blog has been untouched in months... Anyway, I'm back online simply because I can't find any blogs to read. I don't mind the copy-and-paste jobs, but I want to read original content, a different – more fundamentalist – slant on things. So that's why I've gone back to black for the Colour scheme. I find it absurd that all these blogs and I find so little of it interesting. Ach well. Que sera…

Originally, fundamentalism in Scottish Politics referred to a wing of the Scottish National Party. But since they went legit, it now refers to most pro-independence groups outside of, and mostly proscribed by, the SNP hierarchy. But this doesn't entirely cover it... What's the current status of the drinking club? Without the prospect of standing for elections, what do we fundamentalists actually do? The time you get MOST people together is whenever something is being commemorated: Glencoe, Arbroath, Elderslie, Stonehaven... The time of most activism is much less crowded affair: usually one or two stickering, leafleting, boarding, flag-burning or you-tubing to their hearts content. All of this is linked, and made bigger by the internet.

This presents two minor problems: one, 90% of people are more interested in the drinking club elements than the activism; two, the internet creates clans of people it's impossible to communicate with unless you're actually already in the room with them... pedants, keyboard warriors, emotional dyslexics (i.e. Those people who don't quite get the joke most of the time and think you're insulting them) and the sundry cruisers, boozers and losers this game attracts. I couldn’t be without the internet for more than a day, and I get vein-poppingly frustrated when I am. That’s when you know you love something too much.

Now I know I missed a meeting somewhere, because I didn’t get the memo which had the one answer to the multiple choice test of fundamentalist politics. Oh yes. There's an exam to do this. Oh yes. It asks questions like: “How does one carry a flag? A, Straight up. B, to the side or C, Using violence.” There must've been a memo cause for some people; violence is the answer to all their problems. And yes I do mean you… (*giggles childishly as three hundred people wonder if he’s talking about them…*) Sorry. Couldn’t resist.

But that's life, not a problem. If you have too few people you can't get anything done, if you have too many it's as if your dominatrix has forgotten your safe word and just won’t stop whipping... Sorry… should I get my coat?

Walking through Glasgow is an experience if you transgress the wrong places wearing something indicating socialism. I don't mean normal people... working class people... I mean students. Every student who has read and “got” Marx for the first time is Lenin born and you must worship their inadequate lack of knowledge, cos they get it more than you do. It's with a certain timorous regret that the YSI appear on the radar on that particular front... To the YSI the Siol are Nazi's and I'm a Commie / Nazi hybrid (basically I'm Stalin mid-purge). Meh. Could care less. I don't need any more lessons in activism, and as I'll explain later I'm past holding grudges against pro-independence people. I like 99% of the people 75% of the time. Which I think isn’t bad…

The problem with the fragmentation of the independence movement in general is that we're competing over scarce resources (i.e. YOU) and tell our fellow members everything else is bad because... for whatever reason I can't be bothered thinking up. All it creates is wild-west morality where lots of people who clearly can't read properly end up arguing over petty garbage for the sole reason that they can't understand each other. It also means that things become ends in themselves. Take postering: if you poster for Scottish independence; it seems to me that the internet has devised a new phenomenon. I'm told that in the 70s these things were done as a matter of course. Now it's de rigueur to do an American high-five on the forum of your choice. No.... YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THAT! The American Internet has created a brazen: Let’s high-five petty shite cos we’ve bugger all else to talk about tonight! Woo-hoo! Unless (as someone I know DID) do a cheeky postering on a Labour Party office, you don't have bragging rights! I'm all for rewarding good behaviour, but some things are just stupid. One of the better things I read about recently was a ad-hoc contest for whoever could place a recently obtained batch of stickers in a more unique location than any of the others... See THAT's what I like. Not all this self-reverential penis envy that some activists indulge in, in between sobering up from the most recent drinking club meeting.

Ask. More. Questions. In general, and not of other people, but of yourself and who YOU are? Take any photograph you've seen of an event and ask yourself, not what it depicts, but who took it, and why? The scariest thing someone pointed out to me recently was just how little time we all have to achieve our collective aim of Scottish Independence. The average life-span of a human being is only 28,000 days (and much less if you indulge the drinking club as much as some activists...) Cut half of that because of the rest of your life and then divide that number by whatever arbitrary figure you want (based upon just what percentage of the year you actually spend DOING things – and no, rallies and piss-ups don't count) and the figure you're left with is tiny.

It also makes it inexplicable how so many people, with such a common aim, i.e. The freedom of our country, can't find the baws to at least TRY and get along, mystifies me...

Give us a damn elected President...

Apparently... your humble narrator was wrong in suggesting Freddie Windsor as being the Royal at the centre of the blackmail plot mentioned in the London Times at the Weekend.

Both Ninemsn and The New Zealand Herald name Viscount Linley as being the target of the blackmail plot. Throneout offer a lifetime supply of smarties to the person who posts the offending video on the internet. I'll match their "lifetime supply of smarties" and up that to a "lifetime supply of cremola foam and the entire Bruce Springsteen back catalogue".

This isn't a personal thing, this is almost entirely political. Our masters have decided that it is better for us to have amatuer, inbred socialites to take the top job in Scotland (President / King / Supremo / etc) rather than someone who WE can select.

Linley is 12th in line to the throne. That means that if there is a couple of car accidents we get someone who clearly isn't qualified for the role to get the job.

Sack the royals. Sack Westminster. Give a real parliament or build a bypass through that shithole in Holyrood.

Cry Me a River

So... an Independence Activist gets hoodwinked by the News of the World and what does the Independentistas do? Er.... slag him off...?

Excuse me?

Okay. Here's what happened... Dave C, in an attempt to get a referendum organised a small protest outside the Scottish Parliament. I joined in, took photos and they were then circulated to other Determination members. (determination is a small pro-independence grouping).

Dave was then contacted by the News of the World's hack: Jacqueline McGhie. They did a bit of a jokey piece, bit unflattering and made some stuff up. Still, for my money, it got the posters in, the protest in and made a bit of noise that four people and one camera really shouldn't be able to make.

Still... if you listened to the forums online it's the end of the world, Dave is the anti-christ and "get it right up him". That's bullshit, we should be standing together as pro-indy supporters. But nooooo.... apparently the spirit of unity has been replaced with madness.

I've had enough of internet forums, I honestly have. People develop cajones on these places where they didn't have any before. So... they can all officially go to hell. I'm done with them.... *washes hands* I figured that if I had anything to say, I'd just do it here.

So... to the indy activists curious about my opinion on the NOTW Dave C article? Dave stood up when he didn't have to, and put himself on the line and risked a lot for a good cause. You may not like him. Right now, I officially could not give a crap whether any of you liked him or not. HE had the balls to stand up. AND he attempted to liaise with the press to get his message across. He got burned. He should not be slagged off, he should be fucking lauded. And for those people who put their personal opinions of a human being before the fight for independence. My message to you is on the paragraph below.

Right. If you don't like a human being, or how that human being has treated you, then fine. But if you put that personal dislike before the fight before Scottish Independence, and bitch on the internet: I'm officially done with you. A reality check here, bitching on internet forums isn't going to free Scotland. Protests outside the Scottish Parliament are going to do a LOT better than me typing on this blog and YOU typing on whatever forum you prefer. And incidentally... you've got three hundred fucking years of oppression to bitch about from the Brits and there are people who seem to prefer policing the Independence movement than getting stuck into the unionists. Did I miss a meeting? Did I miss the point of who the enemy was. For those of you who claim to believe in Independence and have used forums to slag Dave off. You need to sort your priorities out. You need to ask yourself which side you're on. And more importantly, you should be really fucking ashamed of yourself.

So... you have an opinion about how an Independence Activist conducts themselves? Cry me a river, see how much of a crap I give, go sort yourself out and show the rest of us how IT SHOULD BE DONE.

Pop Star Rant

Apparently KT Tunstall has gotten stuck into Scottish Independence in this post... Before I get to my rant however, please consider this...










On the left... President Laura Roslin of the Battlestar Galactica, on the right, er, KT Tunstall... (I think). Separated at birth... two space cadets. Aye thang kew...

To the rant though... I know only a few Scots who've left these shores to go to America. One of whom is President Matthew (mentioned in a previous post) and the other is... well... erm... that's it really. The rest I've read about in the press on seen on TV.

Every Scottish song you'll read in the "big groovy book of Scottish Songs" concerning not being in Scotland has the same motif: "eeeven thoooughh ah'm on eeeassster iiissslaaandddd I still wwaaaaannnttt taaee beeeee in Scccoootttttlllaaaannnddd...!" Think Caledonia, or virtually anything you'll hear at new year.

The tartan army are evidence of this hypothesis. They drink the beer, shag the locals and fuck off back home again telling the rest of us how homesick they were. Aw the nice.

But pop stars. No... that's not for them. No... they like to take pot shots. We're "nasty" "arrogant" "drunks" "the old country" and a host of other petty insults, vague backhanders, malevolent comments amid the general luxury of getting felt up by whichever pickup artist they've deigned to let entertain them for that night whilst out their heads on cocaine.

I'm sorry... no... I'm not about get off my high-horse whilst a series of drunken, dope-headed nonentities have slagged off where they came in the vague hope that Bono or Madonna will jump them in whichever coy charidee event their publicist said it would be cool to turn up at.

My most abject contempt is reserved for the inevitable cop out you get from Scottish popstars and celebs abroad when they've said they'd blow up govan if they had the chance only to realise that their next video is to shot amongst govan's sharpened pitchforks. The persona-non-grata of worthless excuses: "The press misreported me." No they didn't. Like the rest of us, at some point in your pointless existance you fucked up and regret what you've said. I get that same crappy excuse every day in my day job. Someone sends them a letter, and they phone me. They've ignored the previous fifteen nice ones and want to rant at me for the one nasty one they get. So to make sure I can't tell them off, they say: "I never got those letters." So while they're gearing up their rant engines I tell them that every other caller has told me that and that the Post Office isn't that bad. Then I shout at them until they hang up.

I have a grudging respect for Billy Connolly though. No... listen to me. If I went up to Billy Connolly, I reckon he'd stand up for himself and what he said. He might say I misunderstood the joke, or that he DID think such and such. But the rest of our celebs? I fucking doubt it, brothers and sisters. I reckon if either of the Maryhill Mob (who sometimes read this) took KT aside, or even Lulu when she got stuck into home rule as well, I reckon we'd get a host of excuses about how "that wasn't what she said".

I have several policies I'd like to see enacted. Some aren't relevant to this rant, but they're along the same theme (ish... very ish...)

One. If you decide to become involved in the "entertainment industry" and then fuck off abroad, we reserve the right not to let you back in when you've slagged us off in the press. Your family (who will no doubt disagree) can officially "fuck right off" since they spawned you.
Two. Anyone who gets a driving license has to take anger management lessons for six months being being allowed to continue to drive.
Three. Women should have subtitles detailling what they actually mean as opposed to what they actually said.
Four. All celebrities should come with "as much a lying and cheating bastard as any politician is" mental health warning.

Pant... pant... I feel much better for that rant...

Situation Critical....

I'm not going to lie to you... the recent upgrading of the terror threat level worries me. Not because we're going to die screaming like pigs in an abattoir but because our personal freedoms are at threat and because we seem to bay for blood manipulated by the media against the wrong people.

It seems that I should therefore stand as the accuser rather than the accused. Who is to blame for the recent bomb attacks in London and who caused the situation in Glasgow Airport. Who's to blame? You fucking are.

Yes, that's right. And as V said in the movie "V for Vendetta":

"I suspect even now, orders are being shouted into telephones, and men with guns will soon be on their way. Why? Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there? Cruelty and injustice, intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission. How did this happen? Who's to blame? Well certainly there are those more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable, but again truth be told, if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror. I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn't be? War, terror, disease. There were a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt your reason and rob you of your common sense."

I saw a person I hold in high regard call for the expulsion of Muslims who believe in Sharia law from our wee bit hill and glen. Aye, we're scared, but should be become Nazi's in penance for our own crimes? We failed to stop our intervention in the American Imperialism which caused these problems... When we let airplanes stop at our airports to torture innocent people, should we hold SOMEONE ELSE accountable?

One of the bleakest artworks you can listen to is "The Holy Bible" by the Manic Street Preachers. I listen to it when I'm depressed. The main lyricist, Richey James Edwards, threw himself off a bridge by the time the Album was done and the band were touring. (Aye, I know he's been officially "missing" but I doubt he's out there, personally...) In it are horrors of genocide, anorexia, the holocaust, crime, prostitution and apparently socialists politics. The horror of the 1994 album could be the country we live in now.

And yet we want to blame someone else for it. You didn't vote or persuade your brothers and sisters nearly enough. Had you done so, you would have gotten the Independence we need to stop these horrible things happening.

But you CAN help. You can RESIST. This malevolence stems from USA imperialism. You can stop it. Not me, YOU. Don't go to McDonalds or Burger King. Don't buy the Newspapers. Shut down your shopping malls and go to local suppliers. If someone bitches about your local Asian corner shop, put them in hospital. Destroy the Capitalist banks. Make yourself truly independent of the system. Fight Racism. Fight Imperialism. Don't stand up and be Alex Salmond or wet Wendy Alexander. Stand up and be Calgacus. Stand up and be Rob Roy or William Wallace. Don't listen to the idiots who blame the wrong person, listen to yourself because deep down you know that the real enemy is lying to you through Rupert Murdoch's rags, and via the Daily Record.

Dungeons and Dragons - The Bannockburn Rant

Maybe it's just me, but the fact that I don't get to go up the rotunda on the anniversary of the Battle of Bannockburn is even more soured by the fact that a group of jumped up Dungeons and Dragons fanatics get to ponce about with swords and their inept grasp of history while I'm stood outside.

Lets be brutally honest here people: Battle Re-enacting is one step up from Dungeons and Dragons and half as cool.

I want to go to Bannockburn because I know the history and know the importance of it's place in what made MY country. A group of Lord of the Rings fans get PRECEDENCE over me so that they can act all Frodo Baggins on the ground where my countrymen died... please... that's more than just an insult.

I'm sorry: do you see see HALFWIT written on my forehead? Can I not read the section about how much admission they've charged for this delicacy? It's great. I don't get to commemorate one of the most important events in my country's history AND if I want to get in I get to pay to watch something IMPORTANT being acted out by a group of self-important fuckwits who'd probably be more comfortable dressed up like Legolas and hanging out with a Lion, a Witch and a Wardrobe.

It was even better at the meeting concerning it. I couldn't say anything much at it. You've read my rant this far, you know why I remained silent. Those poor bastards at the NTS don't need me vomiting crazy all of their shit idea. Except for the miniscule detail that I'm right. That aside, I'm sure all those forty-something losers dressed up as King Hob and "I'm am completely not a whoospie" Eddie II will do a fine job. This is aside from the fact that the re-enactors, the NTS and those attending have all missed the point.

In almost every town across Scotland we have wee plaques up for our dead during World War One. I tell you what, why don't get some of our sixteen year olds. We dig a long trench, dump them in, starve them and hose the apex of the trench with machine gun fire so that they can get the full misery of World War One as well? After that we can get some terminally ill patients from hospital and show them what death is like as well? OR we could go back to Napoleonic times, pick a town and send ten thousand people picked from a phone poll to kill and rape all the citizens of a town so that they know what a Napoleonic siege is like?

You get my point? We rightly show our war dead respect. RIGHTLY. But not if it's long enough ago to make the NTS a few bucks. It's moral and social seppuku like this which is the reason I don't want to be British. It's because of the inevitability of shinto like this being done time and time and time again which pisses me off and makes me want to make a country we can actually be proud of.

My rant is almost over. But let me be clear: If you go along to this re-enactment. YOU ARE A MORON. You OFFICIALLY have lost permission to read this blog.

Virgin Media

As a Telewest Customer (ish) having lost 24 and the Simpsons I guess I'm about as angry as everyone else is with Richard Branson. Not only did he gobble up Telewest via his Mobile firm, he managed to botch the negotiations with Rupert Murdoch's Sky Corporation and pretend that it was really okay because Rupert is a big bully who wanted Richie's dinner money and that he had lots of nice and lovely programs for serfs like me to watch.

Er... no Richie, you're trying to replace Sky with old episodes of Alias (which is just as shit in Russian - I've seen it in Russian - as it is in English) and Spooks (the series with the blond guy who isn't as good as Matthew MacFadyen). Also! You can now buy shit music videos for forty pence! Doesn't that make you feel all warm and squishy!

Because we live in a Capitalist State, sometimes the decisions of the Business Class occasionally piss us off, we have one recourse: to go and fuck ourselves.

Actually, there's another recourse: search the interweb for Sky or Virgin Media (whichever you have) and learn how to hack the fucking thing and watch what you like.

Richard Branson is a Cunt. Rupert Murdoch is a Cunt. When did you morons think they EVER had your best interests at hearts? They're more concerned with how big each others dick is and whether it is bigger than the other. That's what the dispute is about: capitalist scum lost in an ego trip.

The Revolution says: I was, I am, I will be again!

Reasons for Scottish Independence #12 - 5000 Posts

Well isn't THAT an effin' turnup for the books! 5000 human beings have read The Firefox Chronicles for the first time. The only Scottish Republican, Socialist, Dadaist and Situationist Blog on the internet has achieved a living, breathing milestone. And it's all for a Scottish Worker's Republic.

I'm touched. No... really.

I'm also machiavellian and rather conspiratorial of late. Some of my life feels like a Neurocam assignment even though I wasn't in it that long, and haven't read stuff on it for while. Weird.

But the world is going to be a safer place, your narrator read on the BBC website that Tony Blair is to bring home 1500 troops from I-raq (like I-pod but with more dead people). From the 7100 who are there, it means (according to MY mathemonics, that only 5600 human beings are being underequiped and get to die.

AND HARRY OF WALES IN ONE OF THEM!

How happy is this republican?

I just can't put it into words.

I don't care if he has a retinue of bodyguards, I don't care if he's just there to make us think the sponging germans who rule us are "doing their bit". He's a royal, and he's near to Al Qua'eda. Maybe now SOMEONE will listen to the cries of the working classes who found themselves, through poverty, in a hell hole with a weapon and too little equipment and fully measured up for a body bag. All because Harry (son of James Hewitt) Wales is nearer to Osama than the government would like him to be.

When a working class Scot gets sent home (if we have the body, obviously) in a body bag no-one gives a damn. When it's the ruling classes, people listen.

But... it's okay. If we really ALL have to leave I-raq, we still get to keep all those nice weapons of Nuclear holocaust in Faslane, and all get to live in poverty in Glasgow and Edinburgh so that london gets our oil money, so it's okay. It really IS okay... we also get to allow ourselves to be lied to by a succession of Brit Left imperialists who trade their Marxist economics for an MI5 payroll and serve the 57 varieties of British Socialism and the British State.

Today is the 23rd February. The election is on May 3rd. Vote election. Between then use your anger to get us a vote for INDEPENDENCE.

"I'm not a slave to a god that doesn't exist. I'm not a slave to a world that doesn't give a shit. The death of one is a tragedy. The death of millions is just a statistic." Marilyn Manson - from the Video - How to Burn a Union Jack by the Nine of Diamonds Project

Entertainment Tonight from the Firefox Chronicles!

You've got to admire how little of a fuck the Italians give about foreign countries. Can you imagine Union Jack McConnell sending diplomats from their Edinburgh embassay to trial?

It's interesting to walk through the mire of propaganda and realise how little you know. On another board, people were discussing this article about this tv show. Then a comrade mentioned an article which discussed the politics of Joel Surnow, the creator of 24.

How can someone like myself, Socialist, Republican and fully paid-up Independentista dig the torture and human rights abuses by anti-Hero Jack Bauer? Partly it's because I don't like programs like Shameless or Skins. I live in an urban environment, some of my mates have jobs, some don't, some people have sex, some don't, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. What I don't want to watch is some crappy TV rip-off of real life to remind me what I either SHOULD be doing, or how someone else is wandering aimlessly about their lives in THEIR way.

Take the office. I WORK in an office. I know people who dug the office because "it's just like in here." Aye, of course... How fucking self-involved is that? It's the same self-involved shinto that goes own when people justify - seriously - their own family nightmares being "just like the Simpsons."

I like different. I'm not going to go home from my job to watch TV and someone else going to THEIR job. It's why I broke "The Sims" CD in half twenty minutes after I put the fucking thing in my PC.

Typically, I like 24 and Jack Bauer because it is conservative propaganda. It's reverse psychology for me. It's a fantasy poll on torture in the modern era. It's also the only show (aside from Battlestar Galactica) which try to use those old Bogart-style alpha male characters. I like flawed genuis's and anti-heroes rather than your average wet metrosexual postcard man who's got all the charisma of your average second division player.

I'll update you (since you asked) about work on MY novel. It's almost done. I've two chapters to finish and bearing in a mind a cursory spell-check and etc it's done.

When it's done I'll be redesigning the blog and including it on the right hand side. This is because I'm putting it up on lulu.com along with the photobook I put up there a while ago.

Rock X (pronounced rock ex and not rock ten as Karen in my work suggested at one point...) is a science fiction comedy in which the two main characters, Max and Kaz battle their way through various parallel universes to save their main compadre: YOU. Yep. You've gone missing and unless Max and Kaz find you all sorts of bad and unspecified things might happen. You got that right YOU are in my book. You've had sex with all the persons you've ever wanted and felt warm and squishy in several different parallel universes.

Blog and Forum Patrol

Fucking Great Maker...

The hits on this blog have rocketed over the past week.

It all started with the "Reasons for Independence" posts. Some dude posted the posters onto a Spanish website. Then I posted them on the Siol site. They ended up on ITWP and Our Scotland.

I've been avoiding Our Scotland because of the amount of Brits on the forum. I don't know why. I can't be bothered arguing any more. I want to engage and persuade those who want to be persuaded.

It came about because I'm finishing off my novel. It's a science fiction comedy. I'm redrafting key sections, writing out characters, writing plots in and getting it ready for publication on lulu dot com. Sometimes you stare at blank pages waiting for some kind of inspiration and getting nothing. I browse to break up the periods when there's just nothing there to write. I put up a post on a few forums asking for ideas for posters. It worked.

I've also been playing Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne. It inspired the second novel: the one more abjectly about Scottish Independence. I need to finish one to get to the other. The next one is about a guy caught up in a coup d'etat on Scottish Independence Day. It's an intense thriller with a Noir element woven in. I'm intending it to be a shorter affair than the Rock X novel. Rock X took three years to write. It was a fantastic experience, and there's only three chapters waiting to be rewritten before I feel it's suitable for posting. I even have a cover artist and an online publisher.

Glencoe is upcoming. Feb 11 in the morning at Glencoe Car Park. Put it in your diaries and come along. Arbroath is as well, but we'll get to that later.

Forumwise I'm browsing the Siol Forum and the Firstfoot Forum. My two faves this month. The Siol are debating the Homosexual adoption issue more heavily than anyone else, and Firstfoot are being typically droll about the universe in general. That's why I like firstfoot. They balance out the serious stuff. Like I said before, my love affair with Our Scotland has diminshed because of the volume of Brits on the forum. I'd like to say I'm done with the lies and the propaganda. I still end up on there, sooner or later... Our Scotland is the Film Noir girl in my own Noir Cumbernauld Story. I shouldn't love her, but I do... I keep going back, falling into that canyon like a Wile E. Coyote when gravity kicks in.

Ministry of Security

That has a nice ring to it doesn't it? "Ministry of Security" - it's the first time in real life I've read a news story and wondered if the writers of "V for Vendetta" and George Orwell saw a script for the future and wrote their stuff to warn us about new labour.

John Reid's proposals are to create two new ministries from the ashes of his failed tenure in the Home Office. "Security" dealing with MI5 and Immigration and "Justice" dealing with prisoners and pretty much everything else.

This is a scary idea, particularly when you remember that immigration and defence are amongst the "reserved" issues of the Scotland Act. Typically New Labour in the Vichy Parly don't allow debates on reserved issues. You get the odd Motion from the SSP / Solidarity and occasionally from the SNP but those "motions" you often seen forwarded are usually about as much use a fishnet condom.

This is one of my recent favourites:

S2M-05356 Ms Rosemary Byrne (South of Scotland) (Sol): That the Parliament believes that the Royal Regiment of Scotland should use the highest quality woollen cloth for its tartan; is concerned that there is a shortage of kilts for the army at present; notes that EU rules insist on competitive international tendering for the supply of goods worth more than £300,000 which could result in the cheapest and most inferior product being chosen, and calls on the Ministry of Defence to announce when the trialling of kilts for the Royal Regiment will end and to ensure that every consideration is given to the contract to supply kilts to the Royal Regiment of Scotland being kept in Scotland.

It's a good sentiment, and it will all be for nought. It makes Rosemary (and presumably anyone who signs it a certain degree of kudos, but you shouldn't be fooled that it actually means anything. Which brings me to my point: If the Home Office is split and we get our scary new V-for-Vendetta britain with it's Spook Ministry what, if anything, is the Vichy Parly going to do except look at each other frowning? But more importantly, are our Political Parties actually going to anything more substantial against developments like this, or against attacks against immigrants, or against ID cards than write a terse letter in parliament or put forward a "motion"?

What with the endless war in Iraq, ID Cards, refinancing a Nuclear Deterrent; it's clear the scare tactics employed by GB & TB aren't just wrong, they're hypocritical. The British State need euthanasia by fair means preferably, but by foul if that isn't possible.

Somebody has to kill the Radio Star...

I've been talking about this IRL for a while now, and at the behest of people I know, I think the subject should be broached about the lamentable state of Scottish Radio.

On Xmas morning, I was setting up the Freeview box that was a prezzie for mumsie and cos she wasn't up, I ended up on BBC Radio 7, instead of finding out what Sky Three was actually like. It was this brilliant documentary about Kenny Everett. I mind as a kid being gutted that he had been sacked from Radio One - not because of the sacking, but because he ended up in a London Radio Station I wouldn't be able to hear.

My politics should dictate I should be glued to Clan FM, Clyde or XFM Scotland or whatever... I guess... I can't face it, honestly. Alyson at work insists that Dominik Diamond is a cunt. I'm guessing Anne Diamond's little boy (???) will just have to live without the blonde bombshell's input on this one. I like the guy because I can recognise who he is.

And here's the reason I don't listen to Scottish Radio: Ross King. I mind him on Radio Clyde. Then I mind him on Pebble Mill and finally as a Weatherman before ending up on GMTV. As nice and fluffy as Ross obviously is, I want something DANGEROUS or someone that actually MEANS something on the radio. I'm not talking about Scotty McClue, because frankly I don't like TalkSHITE or any form of Radio where they have more talk than they have records.

Nicky Campbell on Radio One once took the smeg out of Scottish Radio by taunting the DJs that they all sounded like Deputy Dog. For years I've never been able to listen to the local stations because I keep seeing the wee varmint in my head while some guy introduces some "70s Classics with Rah-Rah-Rasputin!!!

Because of Mr. Fujitsu Seimens here I get to listen to Last FM . If it wasn't for that I wouldn't have heard Shadows Fall... Ah... memories... Well, partially that's my point. I should be able to hear some guy in Scottish Accent taking his music seriously, being comedically dangerous or simply doing something different.

What seems to happen is this: Mr John Nightly gets his own show on some poxy channel no-one listens to for three weeks and electrifys the airwaves. Not too many people hear him except a big broadcaster who takes him somewhere else (TV, Radio in England, whatever...) I can live with that, because money is always going to talk, but we end up left with the pish that Glasgow's nightclubs spawn who frankly have more teeth than brains and can't have an Ad break without having a "funny" competition...

From Independence to where?

The Text ordering the massacre of Glencoe.

Ballacholis
Feb. 12, 1692
Sir:
You are hereby ordered to fall upon the Rebels, the MacDonalds of Glencoe, and put all to the sword under 70. You are to have especial care, that the Old Fox and his Sons do upon no account escape your Hands, you are to secure all the avenues that no man can escape: this you are to put in Execution at five a Clock in the Morning precisely, and by that time or very shortly after it, I’ll strive to be at you with a stronger party. If I do not come at five, you are not to tarry for me but fall on. This is by the King’s Special command, for the good and safety of the country, that these miscreants may be cut off root and branch. See that this be put in execution without Feud or Favor, else you may expect to be treated as not true to the King or Government nor a man fit to carry Commission in the King’s Service. Expecting you will not fail in the fulfilling hereof as you love yourself, I subscribed these with my hand.
Signed Robert Duncanson
For Their Majesties Service
To Captain Robert Campbell of Glenlyon

On February 14, 1692 it was you at Glencoe being slaughtered.

When the clansmen were being slaughtered it wasn't just a violent attack on people, it was violation of rights, laws, customs and history that echoes down to us to this very day. Today, atrocities carried out by Westminster remain the mainstay of it's actions to solve problems in the way it was back then. That is why were are here.

Getting Independence isn't just a matter of getting one vote, it's the matter of surviving every vote until that final YES comes. Can we build an Independence landslide mass movement that survives it's own Glencoe?

Look at the poor and innocent, shackled and trapped inside Guantanamo Bay and tell me the atrocity at Glencoe is a thing of the past. How can we call ourselves civilised when we accept such an appalling travesty of human rights?

Whether it be a silent malevolent press or a spiteful government, every big gun against Independence is being polished and we have to start planning for the unthinkable as well as the unbelievable.

Should we win the vote, we need to start planning what’s next. Jacobites will have to plan how to bring about their chosen successors ascention. Republicans will have to plan to give the people back their power. Socialists will have to plan in Red and get the workers to rise.

But what if there is another Unionist Coalition (maybe expanded with Greens or reduced in number)? I’ve been here before. This is my own Groundhog day: living to believe again and again and again until Independence Day. But that’s my point. On the basis of what I’ve seen before: Independence parties don’t gain power and then shed members by the trainload because they honestly believed that once, just once…

We need to pace ourselves because with or without Independence the fight continues. If you’re planning on getting a life after the election in 2007 you might as well quit now and stop wasting the rest of our collective time.

If we win before the end of the Iraq / Afghanistan quagmire we’ll need to make sure that we get our boys back from the slaughterhouse we created and back to doing supporting the people rather than building up the revenues of Haliburton or whatever company George Dubya and Tony Blair is going to be on the board of when they’re out of the oval office.

If we have to wait another four more years for a chance to get a government, we need to maintain the pressure between the start and finish so that it’s THE ONLY ISSUE worth talking about. And that means multiple rallys, over multiple years. This is because this is the only chance our fellow Scots have of raising our political lives to the point where it exploits Scotland for the benefit of those who live here rather than feeding a monster in a host of old school ties with old world lies.

That is the difference between a tragedy and an atrocity. An atrocity can be avoided by the actions of good people. Look at the mobilisation of the Serbians against Milosevic, or by the South Africans against Apartheid. It took time, it took willpower and it took ordinary people looking defeat in the eye time after time after time.

To hell with tradition, damn how pretty the queen looks and how “it’s always been this way and it’s how it works.” I want to free the common man or woman of my country and raise from the subjects they are to the citizens they crave but don’t believe they can be.

We only need to win once. Westminster has to win always to avoid independence.

Novelling

Draft Two of my Novel is complete. Fanks to Mumsie Firefox for the use of her computer while I was delocated from Firefox HQ.

And that bastard thing still isn't done. It was my fault entirely. I had included what was intended to be an 'ironic' character in my sci-fi comedy. It then transpired that it is in fact impossible to create an 'ironic' character using the name 'The Widowmaker'. Who'd've thunk it...

Anyway, there are two female characters he can be replaced by (which DOES work...) So rewrite three will have to get rid of a number of pointless tricks I tried.

My favourite line from the Novel is from a Character called Ben: "My friend Mhari knows a word called ferapy and finks you need it."

So... how are you? I can tell at least a couple of my three readers checked out the Tribal Music post (and someone even replied... it happens so rarely I barely check...)

I also had an e-mail about my rant about "Francis the Second" and who "Francis the First" was and then proceeded to threaten a "Pillar Box War part two" in an otherwise relatively well received article. Firstly, thanks to Jovan for taking the trouble to e-mail me. Always appreciate contact. When I'm not on dial-up I'll reply (still at Mumsie Firefox's).

I will (therefore) explain to the rest of you about Francis I. It is not that I didn't "know" who Francis I was. It was just that I didn't actually care. I checked Wikipedia for him, and a couple of online sources and soon realised I wanted to go to "mysistershotfriend" and consequently stopped and went for a cold shower. And that was my point. However legitimate a claimant he may or may not have been, he lost. Bonnie Prince Charlie TRIED and failed. From what I can tell, the later ones didn't even try. Why am I supposed to care?

The same is true of Elizabeth the Second, while she may well have had an ancestor called 'Elizabeth I' a) I remain "uncaring" because she's royalty and b) we never had an Elizabeth I in SCOTLAND. You need to remember that I'm a Republican and while I can tell you what colour clothes Scottish Republican John Baird wore while in the army regiment he was in a good ten years before the 1820 insurrection (Green - he wasn't a Red Coat) I haven't researched too much shinto about Jacobite claimants.

I know I'm not interested in it and act accordingly. Fortuntely I know people who ARE into that kind of thing, and their enthusiasm and general interest in their subject usually makes it more entertaining to listen to.

I'm happy to publish a Jacobite article or two explaining things I've little chance of researching. Besides, I like Jacobites. Don't agree with them, but think they're perfectly nice and fun people to get drunk with at commemorations, and you can't say fairer than that. So, there you have it: a free offer of Jacobite propaganda on a Scottish Republican Website. We'll call it an Xmas present. My e-mail address is on the right. Mark the subject heading: "You are a Commie Republican Bastard."

Anyway, bored now, bye.