Pop Star Rant

Apparently KT Tunstall has gotten stuck into Scottish Independence in this post... Before I get to my rant however, please consider this...










On the left... President Laura Roslin of the Battlestar Galactica, on the right, er, KT Tunstall... (I think). Separated at birth... two space cadets. Aye thang kew...

To the rant though... I know only a few Scots who've left these shores to go to America. One of whom is President Matthew (mentioned in a previous post) and the other is... well... erm... that's it really. The rest I've read about in the press on seen on TV.

Every Scottish song you'll read in the "big groovy book of Scottish Songs" concerning not being in Scotland has the same motif: "eeeven thoooughh ah'm on eeeassster iiissslaaandddd I still wwaaaaannnttt taaee beeeee in Scccoootttttlllaaaannnddd...!" Think Caledonia, or virtually anything you'll hear at new year.

The tartan army are evidence of this hypothesis. They drink the beer, shag the locals and fuck off back home again telling the rest of us how homesick they were. Aw the nice.

But pop stars. No... that's not for them. No... they like to take pot shots. We're "nasty" "arrogant" "drunks" "the old country" and a host of other petty insults, vague backhanders, malevolent comments amid the general luxury of getting felt up by whichever pickup artist they've deigned to let entertain them for that night whilst out their heads on cocaine.

I'm sorry... no... I'm not about get off my high-horse whilst a series of drunken, dope-headed nonentities have slagged off where they came in the vague hope that Bono or Madonna will jump them in whichever coy charidee event their publicist said it would be cool to turn up at.

My most abject contempt is reserved for the inevitable cop out you get from Scottish popstars and celebs abroad when they've said they'd blow up govan if they had the chance only to realise that their next video is to shot amongst govan's sharpened pitchforks. The persona-non-grata of worthless excuses: "The press misreported me." No they didn't. Like the rest of us, at some point in your pointless existance you fucked up and regret what you've said. I get that same crappy excuse every day in my day job. Someone sends them a letter, and they phone me. They've ignored the previous fifteen nice ones and want to rant at me for the one nasty one they get. So to make sure I can't tell them off, they say: "I never got those letters." So while they're gearing up their rant engines I tell them that every other caller has told me that and that the Post Office isn't that bad. Then I shout at them until they hang up.

I have a grudging respect for Billy Connolly though. No... listen to me. If I went up to Billy Connolly, I reckon he'd stand up for himself and what he said. He might say I misunderstood the joke, or that he DID think such and such. But the rest of our celebs? I fucking doubt it, brothers and sisters. I reckon if either of the Maryhill Mob (who sometimes read this) took KT aside, or even Lulu when she got stuck into home rule as well, I reckon we'd get a host of excuses about how "that wasn't what she said".

I have several policies I'd like to see enacted. Some aren't relevant to this rant, but they're along the same theme (ish... very ish...)

One. If you decide to become involved in the "entertainment industry" and then fuck off abroad, we reserve the right not to let you back in when you've slagged us off in the press. Your family (who will no doubt disagree) can officially "fuck right off" since they spawned you.
Two. Anyone who gets a driving license has to take anger management lessons for six months being being allowed to continue to drive.
Three. Women should have subtitles detailling what they actually mean as opposed to what they actually said.
Four. All celebrities should come with "as much a lying and cheating bastard as any politician is" mental health warning.

Pant... pant... I feel much better for that rant...

Mack the non-Rant

According to my clustrmap thingy, not many Canadians read this blog. So... I say we get stuck into those workshy, anti-independence, moose-fucking bastards.... what d'ye say? No... oh well...

I'm going to introduce to you a series of random statements and you can tell me what you think of them? They've all been said, uttered or whispered at various times to me.

I'm going to make a rare disclaimer (usually I could care less about what the Sun and Record reading public thought about this blog. Fuck it... most of the time complain to the retard about this blog and see just how much of a fuck I actually give.) BUT, this time, the statements below are not mine. Don't be stupid and automatically assume I subscribe to the comment.

These statements are anonymous and will remain that way. I'm merely curious about your reactions to them...

1. English people aren't moving to Scotland because they're trying to colonise the place. They see it as being more white than England is, and do not accept multi-culturalism. They want the white Britain of the 50s television sold them in the 70s. English Incomers are in receipt of racism, they're the cause of it.
   
2. Prince Michael of Albany wasn't the true heir to the throne. You can tell by the fact that he's still alive.
   
3. Socialists who have hubris about their socialism and cringe about their Scottish do so because they prefer sleeping with Socialist Workers to Scottish Nationalists. It's tribal, Kenny, not politics. It never was, not now.
   
4. [In response to my self-righteousness about the SSP being more morally right than Tommy Sheridan] People have sex. End of. Are you fucking Jesus? Who gave you the moral right to judge a man when you've done the same? Even if he did, does the man not have the right to save his fucking marriage?
   
5. [In response a speaker talking about how Wallace was "watching" over us] If she starts talking like Derek Acorah, I'm leaving. [not thought provoking, but it made me chuckle]
6. If the Independence Vote in a referendum was closer to losing than winning, it would be better to sabotage the turnout and gain a short-term loss, than lose the referendum with a big turnout and suffer a long term one.
   
7. You want to know why people like Wallace? It's because they want it done. They don't want pussy politics, they don't want old men hiding behind democracy and pacifism that sold them out in the miners strike and the Poll Tax. They want one man, standing up, ready to fight and to say fuck you to the aristocracy. They want someone to give them their pride back.
   
8. [on why a person didn't vote SSP when I suggested it to them] They claim to be the party of the working man. But all I see is a bunch of people on benefits and incapacity benefit. Nobody seems to give a fuck about the working classes anymore. It's all about the underclasses. Where's our party?
   

So, reason for the disclaimer should be obvious. Anyone any thoughts? If you don't like using bloggers comments system, email me. kenny.sheerin@gmail.com

Historical Labyrinth

“Never let it be said that any enemy of Macgregor ever saw him defenceless and unarmed,” [offending person shown the door] “Now it is all over - let the piper play "Ha til mi tulidh.” Alleged Last Words of Rob Roy Macgregor

Last night I memorised the entire list of the Kings of the Picts from the Pictish Chronicle. I’m not lying, it was a horrible experience. I was testing out some memory mojo I learned in a book, and surprisingly it actually worked. Drest, Talorc, Nechtan I, Drest 2, Galan, Drest 3, Drest 4, Gartnait, Cailtram, Talorc 2 and Drest 5. Look them on somewhere, cos I didn’t.

You don’t have to believe me. In fairness there’s no way for me to prove this outwith you turning up at one of the events I go to and asking me to do it.

The thing that I find interesting is all the wee details that I didn’t know about along the way. They get obscured by the Bruce and the Wallace and are the kinds of trivia I obsess about. Like Drest I. Drest I was apparently ruler over 100 years and won 100 battles. That, in anyone’s language is pretty cool even though reason dictates it’s probably not the entire truth. Eochaid (king of Picts AND Scots between 878 to 899) it is said, was expelled 9 years into his reign when an Eclipse of the Sun occurred. That’s fucking Hollywood right there. AND that we had a king with the epithet “the great”. That one passed me by. Apparently “Nechtan I” was “Nechtonius the Great” and founded Abernethy. Even Kenneth McAlpin didn’t get “the great” and he was King Swedger of the Swedging people.

But… now I’m just pointing out weird historical things I found interesting. Although you can’t tell me the exile during the eclipse wasn’t a haunting image… I wish I could paint… I guess that’s my point. If you explore Scottish history more, she sucks you deeper in….

" To a Scot, the past clings like sand to wet feet,
and is carried about as a burden.
The many ghosts are always a part of them, inescapable."
Geddes MacGregor

All our yesterdays

"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."

Shakespeare from Macbeth (V, v, 19)


We should be thankful that John Smeaton's senseless disregard for his own life should be so vaunted by Glasgow. Scotland's own Jack Bauer managed to translate ordinary petty violence into something acceptable. Fine by me...

You'll probably note a slightly cynical tone from me, of late. Not a great deal of jokes on here, and to be honest I don't feel like making any in either this, or any of the subsequent ten blog posts. After that, back to normal. But then I doubt you (if you're a regular) come here because you know what to expect. I don't do "safe and normal" in any conventional sense (thus the odd occasion when I post something embarrassing and delete it the day after).

When those civilians saw the authorities fighting with two Al Queda terrorists in Glasgow Airport, a few saw red and got stuck in. They were interviewed, written about, blog-stalked, and subsequently dispensed with. And that should have been it. But it wasn't. People were entranced, in every workplace, in every street, and practically on every scottish forum on the internet, the gallus wee rangers supporter was vouched for (presumably along with his accomplices) as a bona fide weegie hero.

Once, just once, the Weege would shake it's fist at the world and feel something it hasn't felt in three hundred years.

This IS, of course, in spite of the fact that we actually caused the problem in the first place. This IS, of course, in spite of the fact that we hadn't we taken the Spainish approach of "oh right. Imperialism is a bad thing. Okay, we'll stop and not get bombed..." I even heard the term "Blitz spirit" used as if it was a good thing. Blitz spirit is fine if you're using it against something that can't be avoided. It's great. But if your troops are the ones massacring the bosh to get some black gold for a few mad americans then where the hell is the glory in that?

Maybe the glory is in the fact that we've probably voted against it all and are ignored. The SNP are against the war, as well as a fair few of almost every party IN the Scottish Parliament. Maybe the glory is in the detail. No-one asked us, but no-one is going to fuck with us without impunity either. THIS bit, I agree with.

But my optimism only extends so far. What walking abortion takes solace from violence without trying to solve the underlying cause? At least the IRA had an objective... once... They wanted a united Ireland and used it until they realised their tactics were being impeded by a much more powerful security service. But can we vaunt our civilian heroes without trying to argue for a solution to the very thing which caused the attack in the first place?

Do you preach pull-out or extinction? What do you propose for Iraq, or Afghanistan, or any other country in the Middle East? Did you know that when the Muslims learned (back in historical history) that the Messiah was predicted to enter Jerusalem throught the eastern Golden Gate in the Bible, the Ottoman Turks sealed the gate shut and built a graveyard in front of it so that the Messiah would literally have to enter Jerusalem over their dead bodies... Nasty, isn't it? Almost as nasty and the hundreds of thousands Scottish Soldiers have helped massacre under El Presidente George Dubya! Proud yet? Still feel gallus?

It's a vicious circle of violence and no-one benefits. I'm not a pacifist, but I don't see the reasons for any of these deaths or attacks.

The only thing we, as Scots, have is each other in a community. If circumstances beyond our control target US, then it's right we celebrate protecting ourselves. Most of us would like to think we'd do the same. It's tribal, a common ID painting the blood of the aggressors onto your faces and roaring at the hills.

But then we're not exactly civilised, are we? No matter how much we pretend we still worship trees, rocks and pools of water. Your little Jesus Crucifix is nailed to a tree. Most versions of Christianity have that tree with or without a man on it. You worship the tree either way. Your baptism recreates that nice moment when pagans worshiped their local stream and your rocks are your altar. You even have a pantheon of gods and demi gods. Although chances are you call the "Saints". And we still squabble over the dirt of someone elses land here or there. Your heroes are the best warriors and you, inevitably, are Agamemnon in Troy.

Didn't Carl Jung call it the collective unconscious? Didn't Aristotle and Plato reveal it as archetypes? Can't you see yourself in every picture of every art gallery? When you smoke the weed to escape all this madness, aren't you just becoming Shamans and Druids again?

"A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything." Friedrich Nietzsche