EXCLUSIVE! - Interview with the Daily Record Editor

It's with some pleasure that the Firefox Chronicles unveils an exclusive of it's own, an interview the Daily Record General Editor Lord Bunty McUnionist.

We found ourselves at a delapidated wee table in Molly Malone's pub off Sauchiehall Street in Glasgow. He didn't seem a stranger to his strange cocktail of Midori, Vodka and Orange.

Hello Bunty, how are you?

Who the hell are you?

I'm Kenny, you agreed to an interview... remember?

Ah, the Republican. Well, what? Siddown.

Er,,, thanks... Okay, to business then...

OI! [Bunty, leaning over his left shoulder has become slightly distracted and is bawling something at the barmaid. Soon he loses interest, and since the barmaid didn't work out what he was trying to bawl, it didn't really matter anyway] Yesh?

You're drunk!

You're one to talk, there you are shaking all over the place!

I think you'll find you just fell off your chair... Anyway. I wanted to get an interview with you to put to you some points about why your paper is so anti Nationalist, since a great majority of your readership must vote SNP...

Pah! [he waves, interrupting] Easy answer boy, they drove a fishing boat full of cash up the Clyde, parked it outside out local and what can I say, I'm not made of stone, I've got at least three families to support.

But sure that's...

Unethical [he leans over, conspiratorially] Let me tell you what unethical is, getting dumped out of a newspaper for some big mouthed arsewipe with a crap degree who slept with the Owner.

You mean like Paul Hutcheon from the Sunday Herald?

Zigzactly! It's about Tits and arses Sheerin, nuthing else. The truth doesn't sell newspapers. The public enjoy being spoon fed. Whether or not Sheridan spit-roasted that Latrina ... Holeface... whatever - [at this point he's pointing enthusiastically] an be honest you would have too had he fucking invited you - the spitroast stories sold more newspapers than Gail Sheridan's weeping denials and counterclaims. Why? Because they enjoy being slaves. They pretend they don't.

Surely that underestimates the more literate members of society?

What are you, Plato? Fuck off. Literate people are bright enough to read the Herald on the Internet and pay 10p to get some tits and arses!

This seems as good a time as any to bring up the SSP.

It's great isn't it?

Do your sources support whether or not it's true?

Who gives a fuck! Two years of that trot shite, campaigning for this, trying to free that, civil liberties... blah blah blah and FINALLY [at which Bunty stands up and proclaims to the entire public house] they finally sell one of my bloody newspapers! I knew it would happen one day!

But don't you consider that maybe you are having a deretrimental effect on a political party which has, in the past, been principled and stood up for...

The same people who want to see Sarah O's cleavage?

In fairness that's not just the underclass, but I'll grant you a point, continue:

You see, all political parties do for newspapers is sell them. And preferably with sex.

Woodward and Bernstein in the 1970s made a name for themselves by their commitment to Investigative Journalism, and exposed grand-scale corruption in Government ranks. We all know this goes on in Labour heartlands, but none of the newspapers expose it because they're in the payroll! Is that not an abuse of journalistic ethics?

No. There AREN'T any journalistic ethics. There never have been. Not even for Woodward and Bernstein. Their "expose" is written like a cheap thriller and Woodward sold out a long, long time ago. We adopt the eleventh commandment: THOU SHALT NOT GET CAUGHT!