Leaked Election Document...

Oh. My. God. I finally got myself an exclusive... Following the recently Vichy Parly election loss by the Labour Party, there was an autopsy by Douglas "Big No Surrender" Alexander into how best to take the Labour Party agenda forward.

I didn't think I'd get it... but I did.

The Gospel According to Saint Bastard

The Following should be evangelised by the faithful

From Douglas “big no surrender” Alexander

Labour Briefing from Whitehall to Scottish Members
Holy City
Londinium

[Branch comments in quotes, “Big No Surrender” replies in italics underneath]

17 July 2007

Suggestions from the Scottish Labour Party Regarding Operation “Britishness is good… no really; listen we’re really really really nice now…”

Motherwell and Wishaw Branch (Jack “who’s crying now” McConnell’s branch)

“We need to focus people on traditional BRITISH business, and how they’re safer under labour. No-one else has done as much for the promotion of pinstripe kilts, having multiple Jaguars and the Durex Industry for all those trips away with your secretary than Labour has…”

BNS (Big No Surrender): [said with venom] Dear god Barbie, you really were a waste of oxygen, weren’t you? I remember our discussions on the election, your big plan was to say to the Scottish Electorate: “Aw c’mon…! They’re no’ nice…! Puh-leease?”

Paisley North Branch (Wendy Alexander’s Branch)

“We need to make virtue of the fact that Scotland in SNP hands is about as safe as getting Iain Brady and Myra Hindley to be your babysitters.”

BNS: Finally some ideas I can get on board with, sis. It’s brilliant, you’re a star! This is why you’re the primo nexto leadero… The Gigantic Tuna, the Fiona to Gordy’s Shrek, the chocolate body paint in that game we played as kids and promised never to talk about again. Oh, and Jack? Didn’t think you were going the same way as those guys in Red Sweaters in Star Trek? Didn’t think you were “Doing a Lady Di” or hearing: Tick tock tick tock…

Cumbernauld and Kilsyth Branch (Central Belt Clone Branch)

[like Sean Connery from the Untouchables] “You wanna know how to get Salmond? They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. *That's* the *Lanarkshire* way! And that's how you get Salmond.”

BNS: Holy Buddah, I’d get more sense if I allowed a big brother Contestant to be an MSP in the Central Belt, wouldn’t I? But let’s be honest, Lanarkshire gets most of its best ideas from American films with Robert De Niro in it, doesn’t it? You remember that time during the election where we asked for suggestions how to beat Nicola Sturgeon and you suggested that she slept “with the Fishes” and we spent a thousand pounds on Private Detectives following the former lead singer of Marillion around for three months?

Trade Union Representation: Mr Norbert White-Flighty, Bsc, Ssc (Bronze Swimming Certificate, Silver Swimming Certificate) *that joke courtesy of BBC’s Red Dwarf…*

“Naturally the Trade Unions see Britishness in Marxian terms. Consequently, we need to batter some nationalists. The Trade Unions haven’t be THAT busy of late, so I suggest that London shuts down a few mines, steelworks, or whatever those bloody jockos are up to these days, so that we can get a good old fashioned strike going. This has benefits outwith the party though. Strikes mean that the Socialist Workers Party get to horizontally recruit some gingers and we get them in OUR party when the SWP has bored the living shinto out of them… I mean, you’ll be the one doing it, but we can still blame Bridget Sturgeon and get stuck in!”

BNS: When the great Architect was giving out brains, you didn’t even bother queuing, did you? I mean, the Labour Party got rid of most of the Scottish Trade Unions by Amalgamating them with English ones years ago, and Thatcher didn’t shut most of the Scottish pits because we’d already gotten there first! We just didn’t take the blame… Oh, wait a minute… great idea! Get that man a seat in Airdrie!

In Summary: Big No Surrender’s Jerry Springer Summing Up Moment:

THESE were the best suggestions. Pathetic, utterly reprehensibly bad. Sheer monotonous rubbish. Aside from sis. But she’s always been good: WORSHIP HER! Back when we were sixteen, and our parents planned our wedding before the Social Services became involved… [edited by Whitehall]