Pop Star Rant

Apparently KT Tunstall has gotten stuck into Scottish Independence in this post... Before I get to my rant however, please consider this...










On the left... President Laura Roslin of the Battlestar Galactica, on the right, er, KT Tunstall... (I think). Separated at birth... two space cadets. Aye thang kew...

To the rant though... I know only a few Scots who've left these shores to go to America. One of whom is President Matthew (mentioned in a previous post) and the other is... well... erm... that's it really. The rest I've read about in the press on seen on TV.

Every Scottish song you'll read in the "big groovy book of Scottish Songs" concerning not being in Scotland has the same motif: "eeeven thoooughh ah'm on eeeassster iiissslaaandddd I still wwaaaaannnttt taaee beeeee in Scccoootttttlllaaaannnddd...!" Think Caledonia, or virtually anything you'll hear at new year.

The tartan army are evidence of this hypothesis. They drink the beer, shag the locals and fuck off back home again telling the rest of us how homesick they were. Aw the nice.

But pop stars. No... that's not for them. No... they like to take pot shots. We're "nasty" "arrogant" "drunks" "the old country" and a host of other petty insults, vague backhanders, malevolent comments amid the general luxury of getting felt up by whichever pickup artist they've deigned to let entertain them for that night whilst out their heads on cocaine.

I'm sorry... no... I'm not about get off my high-horse whilst a series of drunken, dope-headed nonentities have slagged off where they came in the vague hope that Bono or Madonna will jump them in whichever coy charidee event their publicist said it would be cool to turn up at.

My most abject contempt is reserved for the inevitable cop out you get from Scottish popstars and celebs abroad when they've said they'd blow up govan if they had the chance only to realise that their next video is to shot amongst govan's sharpened pitchforks. The persona-non-grata of worthless excuses: "The press misreported me." No they didn't. Like the rest of us, at some point in your pointless existance you fucked up and regret what you've said. I get that same crappy excuse every day in my day job. Someone sends them a letter, and they phone me. They've ignored the previous fifteen nice ones and want to rant at me for the one nasty one they get. So to make sure I can't tell them off, they say: "I never got those letters." So while they're gearing up their rant engines I tell them that every other caller has told me that and that the Post Office isn't that bad. Then I shout at them until they hang up.

I have a grudging respect for Billy Connolly though. No... listen to me. If I went up to Billy Connolly, I reckon he'd stand up for himself and what he said. He might say I misunderstood the joke, or that he DID think such and such. But the rest of our celebs? I fucking doubt it, brothers and sisters. I reckon if either of the Maryhill Mob (who sometimes read this) took KT aside, or even Lulu when she got stuck into home rule as well, I reckon we'd get a host of excuses about how "that wasn't what she said".

I have several policies I'd like to see enacted. Some aren't relevant to this rant, but they're along the same theme (ish... very ish...)

One. If you decide to become involved in the "entertainment industry" and then fuck off abroad, we reserve the right not to let you back in when you've slagged us off in the press. Your family (who will no doubt disagree) can officially "fuck right off" since they spawned you.
Two. Anyone who gets a driving license has to take anger management lessons for six months being being allowed to continue to drive.
Three. Women should have subtitles detailling what they actually mean as opposed to what they actually said.
Four. All celebrities should come with "as much a lying and cheating bastard as any politician is" mental health warning.

Pant... pant... I feel much better for that rant...