Vote Independence - Quotes...

Man... I'm a Blog machine this week... Every day so far.

So... Indy quotes. I figured that since I was too busy doing stuff that I wouldn't ACTUALLY go out and seek real quotes for Independence. I'd make them up instead. If you particularly want to see one on the internet, that's what the comment function is for.

William Wallace: I can't believe you thought I looked like that fucking Australian. Shouting "You missed one at the back!" during Braveheart does NOT make you a patriot! Dear god Barbie... try and at least TALK to someone about Independence this side of the election so that deep down (deep deep down) you feel as if you took part.

Robert T Bruce: 'Tis better to win, than to take part. So... here's a tip from Scotland's best machiavellian King (on AND off the park). If your blonde co-worker is bitching about Independence and you can't persuade her: don't keep wasting your time, get your sister - cousin to use her vote. Also, instead of going postal against Labour Party politicians, why not do stuff like say you were a lifelong labour voter... but NOT NOW! Because of the War in Iraq, your local hospital being shut down or because of the Council Tax. Be subtle... make them feel bad!

Andrew De Moray: Okay, so you've graduated from being a 90 minute Freedom Fighter at Hampden to being a nine-week Nat during the election. But this is about committment to the cause. Think about Bannockburn people... (which I missed because of a slight case of death) If people had gone home after the game then we wouldn't be free. We needed the committment of 1320... And the committment to get us through the Second War of Independence.... Or the Committment to hide the REAL stone of Destiny... (on that point, me and Wallace took the black carved marble rock to an Inn and Dundee and... jeez... we got so drunk me and Wallace made "Mad Maeve fae Dumbarton" Queen of Scotland for thirteen whole minutes!

Mirren: Could someone tell Billy his tea's on the table?

Wendy Wood: Could one of you losers make sure my Lion Rampant gets back up on Stirling Castle when Independence is declared? Incidentally, sisters across Scotland fought for the right to vote, not so that you could bitch about how you had no one to vote for, but because we wanted to give you a chance to make a difference for all of us. Even spoiling your ballot paper makes a difference. Staying at home does nothing. All reasons why are merely excuses. THIS IS YOUR TIME TO BE HEARD.

Thomas Muir: There's a big world out there waiting to recognise YOU as a people in your own right. I know you're scared, I know everyone is saying that it can't work... But I'm not asking you to trust me. I'm asking you to believe in yourself for ONE ELECTION. Just one, because that's all it takes...

Okay.. me again... Right, so those people aren't speaking from the grave, and I'm using humour to make a political point. But since I get a SHITLOAD of readers and very few comments I thought you might listen to the dead more than you listen to me.

It just takes a day to make things better. Just one.

Vote Independence

The last thing our country needs right now is another three hundred years swearing fealty to unionists for simply being allowed to be a subject of Brenda Windsor.

I thought I would take this opportunity to address a few myths regarding Independence. In my own way... (ahem).

Myth 1: Home Rule means Pope / Prod Rule:

Dear god... this is by far my least favourite. This tends to centre around the West of Scotland and, frankly, should stay there. It's propagated by bigots who can't argue with you. It's directed towards their alcoholic neighbours and housewives who don't want to think for themselves. There... I said it. If you believe this: you are a moron.

I feel I should at least bother to try and refute this rather than just rant about idiots like this not being allowed internet access or telephones.

To my mind, we don't have the depth of division in Scotland that is apparent in traditionally sectarian countries. Yes, there is sectarian violence, but this has never been exploited by political parties, per se. The "myth" has proved to be a feature in some areas for the Labour Party, but by no means would I suggest that this is endemic in top levels of the party.

Equally, take politics today. Voters in Airdrie, traditionally "labelled" a protestant heartland got angry (and rightly so) against Labour in Karen Whitefields constituency precisely because she stood idly by and let Catholic Coatbridge build all it's nice shops, leisure centres, bowling alleys and cinemas while finding something else to while their hospital was shut down. Chances are that Karen's game is a bogey and the SNP will get Airdrie. Nobody brought up religion, if you read the local newspapers is bread-and-butter politics being discussed.

My reasoning is that you aren't morons. Yes, our system is complete shit, but I have a higher opinion of you than that at the first opportunity you'll wander off and batter the next ethnic minority at the first opportunity. I've sat behind you in buses. You're quite nice. Really...

Myth 2: Ooh... Nationalism... that's bad... that's like... violent and stuff...

This one rips my knitting as well.

After the Perth AGM of Independence First I was in a pub with a guy who I discussed my membership of Siol nan Gaidheal. He was a left winger and brought up the fact that we're all bad nasty fascists and racists and so were the SNP and... You get the point. This comes more from the left than it does the right, but it's pretty endemic. It usually uses "Yugoslavia" as the "Aaa ooh!" part of it's song.

My answer to that is this: all politics has blood on it's hands. The left winger who makes allegations of racism is conveniently forgetting the blood on his own hands. I'll bet he's wearing a Che Guevara t-shirt. How many people did Che kill? He led ACTUAL revolutions. Now... that didn't involve him going to Bolivia to sell copies of the Socialist Worker. He took a gun.

And all over Europe and North America you'll find a trail of blood attributed to Socialism. You'll find Germany's Red Army Faction; Frances Actione Directe (sic); Red Brigades here, there and everywhere. Diet Red Brigades, Cherry flavour Red Brigades, Maoists, Trots and Commies all of who have rifles under their beds. You can go up to the Northwest of America and find the United Freedom Front and Red Guerrilla Resistance blowing up and robbing their way through New York. Lets be honest, the death toll is fucking huge.

Swing to the right wing and you'll find the Conservatives. Nothing bad about them, surely? Surely that nice Dictator Maggie Thatcher, who managed - miraculously - to have two separate wars and not invade someone once, didn't have links to nasty violent political people.

It's best not to ask them yourself. They'll probably neglect to mention Enoch "Rivers of Blood" Powell and Oswald "Crazy Bastard" Mosely (who was a member for the Tories in Harrow... which was nice): posters boys of your friendly neighbourhoodie fascists: the BNP, C18, National Front. They also might neglect to point out that they've sat next to "Psycho fun boy" Ian Paisley numerous times in numerous parliaments.

Your ballot paper is drenched in blood from the right wing to the left wing. Since the SNP was formed, it has been the most consistent vehicle for Independence. And they got a parliament without killing anyone. A damn sight better than the one gotten in Northern Ireland which has been dumped more times than I, or my wheely bin has been. Equally, the organisation I'm a member of: the SRSM helped persuade the groups who formed the original SSP that independence was a groovy idea and that they should hop on board the Indy train and dance to crappy folk music like the rest of us.

My point to unionist is this: if you want to look for violent ghosts in shadows, you'd be better served looking in your own political parties rather than in my Pro-Independence belief system. Most of the unionist parties have had members who have either advocated or attempted to create rivers of blood.

Myth 3: We cannae afford it Captain... there's nae merr money!

I can't help being patronising sometimes. It's just who I am:

Oh really... the country who spawned the guy who INVENTED the Bank of England can't build a decent economy. The country who spawned THE OTHER GUY who first documented Capitalism can't work out how to pay the bills? (William Paterson fae Tinwald in Dumfries and Galloway founded the Bank of England and Adam Smith fae Kirkcaldy worked out capitalism an' that).

Frankly, if you're stupid enough to subscribe to that myth you just lost the right to talk to me.

Myth 4: Black Gold

I think I missed that meeting. You know... the one where it was agreed that your country has to have oil to exist. Or to economically proper...

Ssshhhh... I just had an idea. If you're Irish you'd better go read something else. By that argument we should invade so that we can liberate them from their "non oil"ness. It would be only honourable on our part. We'd be doing them a favour.

They've a successful economy and don't have oil. Hmmm...

Either way, there is NO PROOF being documented that Oil is about to run out in the North Sea. And if it does... So what? Other countries proper, why the hell can't we?

Myth 5: Passports and Border Guards

My good friend Alyson probably worries about this one. Her current squeeze, Stevie from Jasper Carrot country, might be affected by the very issue.

Aside from the fact that people living here would get naturalisation rights and nationality IF THEY WANTED IT... It's in most of the manifestos and press briefings.

Honestly, Pro Indy supporters are all rather Swedish and nice about this issue. We want to be cool and nice and groovy and don't want to make your life, like, hard... dude. We're all cool.

I can guarantee there won't be any sniper towers this side of Gretna at any time. If "Stevie" is stopped at the border, it's merely because I fancy his girlfriend and nothing to do with the fact he's English....

Radio Free Scotland

Once upon a time I posted this... Chris Moyles, on todays Radio One Show reminded that the reason I despise local radio is because they've nothing to say that's worthwhile.

And then something happened a couple of week back some people were discussing some shinto on a forum I frequent and it ACTUALLY happened. Someone broadcast a Radio Show I couldn't miss... It just felt right. I didn't have to bugger off to the kitchen to avoid being patronised, I didn't get to shout at the Brit Broadcasters who were playing Keane because a few London stations though they were "cool" or because they were banging the drummers girlfriend... (this bit might be libellous though...)

So... maybe they're just learning and there's the odd delay and sometimes the songs end a bit early... but in this case it's just enigmatic. On the basis of the three episodes I've listened to thus far there even seems to be a structure: one hour of folky tunes, and the next hour for modern music. Interspersed are interviews, new Scottish music, snippets, comment and general humour and propaganda.

For someone who has listened to BBC Radio One because there was -- "fuck all else to do" - Friggin' in the Riggin' -- I've FINALLY got something to listen to.

And therefore SO DO YOU. Go to Radio Free Scotland and work out how to listen from there. It's pretty simple. If you can't listen, then either a) your computer is shit or b) you are a moron. There... I've said it. LISTEN.

Why? Because this gives us, as a pro-independence movement, credibility. You can HEAR people talking our talk on a wednesday and friday at 9pm. You can send your stuff via email to the DJ and you can just listen in and switch off feeling good.

Reasons for Scottish Independence #1

"People should be thankful that a Lib Dem's going out with a straight girl." - Gabriela Cheeky Girl.

You can submit your "reasons for Scottish Independence" to the usual email address.

How Many Socialists?

How many Socialists?

Q. How many Socialist Workers Party members does it take to change a light bulb.
A. Four. One to change the bulb, one to write about it for "the paper", one to sell you "the paper" and another to follow you home and ask why you weren't at the bulb changing, if you plan to make the next one and if you were still as committed.

Q. How many Socialist Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have to wait for Peter Hadden to take the lead.

Q: How many New Labour Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They haven't got a policy on that in case they lose votes.

Q: How many Stalinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.

Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, that's the proletariat's work!
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!

Q: How many American Imperialist Pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - one to put in the bulb, and two to search through the cartons of inferior American produced light bulbs for one that isn't defective.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the light bulb itself.

Q: How many Spartacus members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You can't CHANGE a light bulb!

Q: How many Trotskyites does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's no use trying to CHANGE it; it's got to be SMASHED!!!

Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.

Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.

Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.

Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"

Q: How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they use light bulbs, which don't burn out, so they don't know how.

Q: How many Hoxhaists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he will be expelled as a revisionist.


Q: How many members of the RSF does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's a cop question! Don’t Answer!!!

Q: How many members of the 32 County Sovereignty Committee does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to call in the United Nations for advice on bulb sovereignty, one to check if the light bulb was made in Ireland and one to stop Marianne punching the backs of members of Sinn Fein who are trying to prevent the light from being switched on in case their members can see.

Q: How many members of Sinn Fein does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Irrelevant: It's not included in the Good Friday Agreement

Q: How many members of IRSP does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. The ERPS can’t afford electricity. They use candles (borrowed from Strabane)!

Family Fortune Funny Answers

The funniest and best list of Family Fortunes answers. (Contestants from the ITV Family Fortunes game-show are asked to guess the most popular answers to questions posed in a survey.) Family Fortunes is still shown on TV and remains a rich source of hilariously funny answers like these below.

family fortunes answers

An instrument you can play while walking in the street: "A cello.."

A type of oil: "Sewing-machine oil.."

A word beginning with Z: "Xylophone.."

A slang word for a girl: "Slag.."

An animal with horns: "A bee..."

A medieval weapon: "Hand-grenade.."

Something made of wool: "A sheep.."

Something a bridegroom might wear: "A dress.."

Someone you wouldn't expect to see in a strip club: "Animals.."

An animal with a long tail: "A rabbit.."

Something a train-spotter would have in his pocket: "A magnifying glass.."

Something you put out for the birds: "Worms.."

A way to prevent snoring: "Put a pillow over his face.."

A word used to describe a very hot day: "A very hot day.."

A song from 'The Sound Of Music': "Dancing Queen.."
(Also from the same family: "I wake up each morning..", "The skies are blue..", and "Over the hills and far away..")

Someone who works early hours: "A burglar.."

Something made to be wheeled around: "A hammer.."

A reason for kneeling: "To be beheaded.."

A nickname for a slim person: "Slimmy.."

A measurement of liquid: "Paint.."

Something that's nice to wear next to your skin: "Pants.."

A famous Dick: "Carrot.."

A wild animal that's native to Britain: "A bear.."

Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: "Feeds your pets.."

Something that comes in 7's: "Fingers.."

A vocalist known by only one name: "Michael Jackson.."

A yellow fruit: "Orange.."

An animal beginning with B: "Bullfrog.."

Something associated with Liverpool: "The Yellow Brick Road.."

A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme: "Little Red Riding Hood.."

Something associated with Queen Victoria: "Her husbands.."

Something you hide in your socks when you go swimming: "Your legs.."

A place you would keep a pen: "A zoo.."

Something you beat: "An apple.."

Something associated with rain: "Water.."

An animal that lives in the English countryside: "A lion.."

Something you make into a ball: "Eggs.."

A game that uses a black ball: "Darts.."

A popular TV soap: "Dove.."

Other than 'carrier', a type of bag: "Horse.."

Something you might find in a garage: "a grand piano.."

Something a Frenchman would say Answer: "On Garde.."

A fast animal: "A hippo.."

Something you keep in the garden: "A cat.."

Something that gives you goosebumps: "Mumps.."

A character from Little Red Riding Hood: "Hansel and Gretel.."

Something that has a shell: "Batman.."

Any dance apart from the waltz: "The ball dance.."

Something a policeman might say: "Spread 'em.."

Something that frightens Dracula: "The King of the Vampires.."

A non-living object with legs: "A plant.."

An animal associated with a nursery rhyme: "Andy Pandy.."

A mode of transport that you can walk in: "Your shoes.."

An animal with big ears: "A bear.."

Something you do on water: "Wallpaper.."

A musical instrument you can play in the bath: "A drum kit.."

Something associated with Egypt: "Cigars.."

A part of your body you only have one of: "Your big toe.."

Something you pull: "A potato.."

An animal used as a form of transport: "A turtle.."

A famous Phil or Philip: "Phil Johnson.."

A habit people try to give up: "Spitting.."

A Thunderbirds character: "Doctor Spock.."

Another TV gameshow with the word 'family' in the title: "The Generation Game.."

A seaside resort on the south coast: " Rio de Janeiro.."

Something with a red light on it: "a Dalek.."

Something that makes you scream: "A squirrel.."

A food than can easily be eaten without chewing: "Chips.."

A type of record: "A floppy disk.."

A type of large cat: "Persian.."

A job that a working dog does: "A slave.."

Something people might be allergic to: "Skiing.."

A well known superstition: "Running in front of a car.."

Something you use a microchip in: "A fish-fryer.."

A game played in the dark: "Charades.."

A part of the body you have more than two of: "Arms.."

Something you find on a fire engine: "Coal.."

An item of clothing worn by the Three Muskateers: "A horse.."

An animal you see at the zoo: "Dog.."

Something you might do in a power cut: "Read a book.."

A famous Parisian landmark: "Hawaii.."

One of Harry Enfield's characters: "Sooty.."

A famous Irishman: "Disraeli.."

The first place detectives look for fingerprints: "The floor.."

Something you associate with the sea: "A coffin.."

A famous Arthur: "Shakespeare.."

A type of cut: "Skull.."

A weapon in the game of Cluedo: "Dice.."

Something people take to the beach: "Turkey.."

A reason someone digs a hole in the road: "Grave digger.."

An ingredient in chicken stuffing: "Chicken.."

Something a girl should know about a man before marrying him: "His name.."

A bird with a long neck: "A blackbird.."

An item of clothing a woman might borrow from a man: "Underpants.."

Something taken from a hotel as a souvenir: "The lamps.."

Something you keep in a garden shed: "A gardener.."

A famous Wild-West character: "Wild Bill Eacock.."

Something you'd associate with the three bears: "Red Riding Hood.."

Fruit used in fruit salad: "Cucumber.."

A method of cooking fish: "Cod.."

Something you borrow from your partner: "Shoes.."

Something with a hole in it: "A window.."

Something you do in the bathroom: "Decorate.."

The last thing you take off before going to bed: "Your feet.."