Chic Murray quotes and quotations

Chic Murray quotes and quotations: My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

A neighbour put his budgie in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

I made my way downstairs. The stairs lead the way down onto the...street. They lead all the way up too, of course...saves me having two stairways.