Cumbernauld Rant

Carbuncle Awards, Scotland: "Carbuncles - Carnyx PR 21.10.05: It gives us absolutely no pleasure to announce that four years after the last award was handed out, Cumbernauld has won the Plook on the Plinth Award for the Most Dismal Town in Scotland, again. In 2001, Cumbernauld won the award and this year the public has expressed their displeasure with the state of its town centre by giving it the nod once more. Over 6,000 individuals have accessed our voting pages for the Award. Cumbernauld received 28% of the vote with its closest rival Ardrossan in second place with 17%."

Right, lets get onto this one. I am, and have been, my whole life a Cumbernauld resident. My own particular kind are colloquially known as a "Villagers" as being from Condorrat, on the western fringe of Cumbernauld.

Apparently, I live in a shithole. Apparently, I live in the "most dismal town in Scotland".

I have a few things to say...

First, anyone who calls Cumbernauld a shithole has clearly never been to Harthill, near Shotts. It's a little piece of Ulster bigotry in the heartland of Caledonia. It's the kind of place that removes it's little green men from it's crossing points and it's green traffic lights because they share a common colour with a far away football team.

Second, this is all coming from a society of media junkies who follow who Kate Moss has recently got high with or who listens to the meanderings of Trinny and Susanna. Fuck you! Fuck your insatiable need to watch an awards ceremony where the requirement for winning involves how many greasy pop stars Fern Cotton has humped that weeks on Top of the Pops Diet Extra.

"Hi, I'm an average moron, I want to read a report on an award that involves a sentence Charles Mountbatten uttered whilst getting a blow job from Camilla Parker-Uglybitch."

Thirdly, anyone who decides that the most important factor in determining a towns "popularity" is how it's buildings look deserves to be strung up from every lamp-post between Cumbernauld and Berwick. Should you find yourself in that category, I suggest you kill yourself now because your shallow, pointless, unrepentant little life isn't going to get any easier. You're the kind of person that's going to watch Nigella Lawson making that cakes and when you go to bed at night, wank over her face in your facile, pretentious little dreams that you're far more important than you are. You're just another coffin on Bruce Forsyth's Generation Game conveyer belt. You're more dead now than you will be when you have lost the battle to cancer or "avian flu".

Fourthly, I don't like your attitude. You think that how pretty a town looks is what's important? Uh-oh... you've got all the IQ of a glass of tepid water! The roster of the school I was at switches between a list of people who ended up in great jobs, and those who ended up selling drugs to kids and killing themselves before they were 18. In people terms, that still puts us above Glasgow, although we don't have to listen to those interminable Urban Legends about that Gang-bang that Lulu went to in Govan.

Fifthly, what should I have expected? The society I'm from is so bankrupt it's daily hard-on has to come from Big Brother or who Simon Cowell slags off from X-Factor.

But why should I care? I cum all over the face of your pathetic culture. Some of us are individuals. Some of us want to re-start fox-hunting using every vacuous Television presenter who have ever tried to be "interesting" by teasing the weather girl as a target. Some of us watch your outcries of disgrace at the Turner Prize as a genuine seal of approval.

You are a society of slaves. You are a society of serfs. "Little people in little houses, like maggots: small, blind, and worthless." Manic Street Preachers.

It's like watching a car crash sometimes, your cat-calls over whomever your masters want you to bark at: Serbia, Afghanistan, Iraq, the moon... Any arab, lesbian, black, unBritish, unWhite, SLAVE. Raus! Raus!

You deserved every riot, didn't you? You deserved every serial-killer, every rapist, every child abuser, every burglary, every drug victim? You must have done, it's not like you ever tried to vote your way out of it, did you? It was easier to go to Asda that vote for someone... Of course, there wasn't anyone to vote for, was there? No, that three feet long ballot paper had NO-ONE on it, did it? It's not because you're a moron, is it?

"Keep the Tories out! Keep the Tories out!" Yeah, that worked for you, didn't it? You kept the Tories out and invited Labour in. You like the nanny-state... You like your personal freedoms eroded... You like several extra layers of extra government... You like a health service that's badly run... You like crime laws that are lacklustre and based on who the Sun Editor wants to fuck that week?

(As an aside, if Rebekah Wade, Sun Editor, was a man, she'd be declared a pervert for the soft-porn articles she's included of a fifteen year old Harry Potter Actress, who I won't name. Shout this one loud: REBEKAH WADE IS A PERVERT!)

So, in summary.

Think for yourself.

And for the intellectually challenged amongst you, I bring DICTIONARY CORNER:

i·ro·ny n. pl. i·ro·nies

1. The use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning.
2. An expression or utterance marked by a deliberate contrast between apparent and intended meaning.
3. A literary style employing such contrasts for humorous or rhetorical effect. See Synonyms at wit1..
4. Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs: “Hyde noted the irony of Ireland's copying the nation she most hated” (Richard Kain).
5. An occurrence, result, or circumstance notable for such incongruity. See Usage Note at ironic.
6. Dramatic irony.
7. Socratic irony.

sar·casm Pronunciation Key (särkzm) n.

1. A cutting, often ironic remark intended to wound.
2. A form of wit that is marked by the use of sarcastic language and is intended to make its victim the butt of contempt or ridicule.
3. The use of sarcasm. See Synonyms at wit1.


dramatic irony n.

The dramatic effect achieved by leading an audience to understand an incongruity between a situation and the accompanying speeches, while the characters in the play remain unaware of the incongruity.

reverse psychology
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: a technique of convincing a person that they will not succeed in hopes that it will spur them to succeed; a technique employing pessimism in order to effect a positive outcome