Falkirk or Paradise?

Despite just how downbeat I sounded in this previous post, I made sure I turned up at yesterday’s Falkirk Commemoration dressed in gunslinger black (sans T-shirt courtesy of a fabric softener accident). And I enjoyed every minute.

This incarnation of Falkirk started last year when the ‘Back of the Bannockburn March’ Association collaborated to build a cairn dedicated to the First Battle of Falkirk. There was a Rally then, and we repeated it this year. And it’s turned out to be a really good one.

Incidentally, the reason so many fundamentalist organisations seem as if they’re on the same page is because of two curious theories I have: firstly, that the SNP have a position on Bannockburn and Elderslie marches: “We don’t care whit ye’ve fallin’ oot o’er this year, git tae ra back and dinnae frighten ra tourists.” Afterward all us unkempt fundamentalists started asking: “Hi, I’m fae the SRSM, you’re fae Siol ye say? Ah, and you’re Na Fir Dileas…” Secondly, we usually trip up over each other trying to cultivate the same members.

Yesterday’s rally had a few nice touches aside from the speeches to mark (oh crap… he’s being positive… there must be something he feels he has to pay for…) this event out. Symbology. I *heart* symbology. I *pinkie heart* symbology. My dream is an event that’s got no talking, just something symbolic and mysterious. I even have an idea, but back to Falkirk: Raising the Standard by some dignatory, and my personal favourite where the Templar’s appear to use a Claymore as a cross. I’ve decided to ignore Jesus’s pacifist pretentions and assume they’re being ironic. See… still positive. Even just slamming the sword into the ground for the duration would’ve been enough for me.

And yet MORE positivity: David R Ross, Biker and Historian, did a speech which seems to be him back on form. He’s a staple and consequently he cannae get away with the same joke twice. The Siol speaker, Bob, was particularly passionate, and Gordon Aitken (speaker and sword bearer) had a diverse edge that people definitely appreciated. I thought they represented everyone and were informative and passionate. The mix was great, especially that bit where the public were being either nice or just going about their business. You get the impression at Bannockburn and (on a smaller scale) Glencoe that the locals are sharpening their pitchforks in anticipation of the event. But yesterday was Falkirk and they seemed glad that it was the first time this year that someone marched somewhere and no-one gave a fuck about Ireland.

OMG Kenny… That sounds awfully nice. You’re being really positive… Have you had sex or something? That streak finally been broken? Nope. Lets discuss the Templars. My comedy position on Templars is that Capes should be reserved for sexual games and American Superheroes. I understand, some people are Christians. I respect that. I don’t expect them to worship the Aten like me. I don’t expect them to worship the River or Rocks… But if we want to bring Jesus into our rallies or events, why choose the comedy ones?

You see here’s what happened. Here’s why I’m being honest. A couple of years ago a wee guy called Michel Roger LaFosse turned up. Some of us (myself included) thought: “That guy’s a lying bastard!” but we shut up in a spirit of diplomacy. This turned out to be a huge mistake. And then her majesty’s finest investigated just how much of a lying bastard he actually was, and now he lives in Belgium. So… rather than being diplomatic, I thought I’d try honesty for a bit. Seems to work for some of you people, may as well give it a bash…

You see my problem with Templarism is that it was all made up after romantic people who read ‘Holy Blood: Holy Grail’ by Michael Baigent, Richard Leigh, and Henry Lincoln couldn’t see that the only purpose of that book was to feed the authors’ bank account, Pierre Plantard’s ego. All it did was to give the French Surrealist Movement a reason to laugh l’ass feckin off for YEARS. If you want my opinion: Templarism is fiction in a very Tolkien sense. Back in the day a bunch of these weirdo cults started up, bought some capes and declared that they were part of an unbroken line of Templars from when they escaped France.

For me, it is exactly the same thing as mediumship, Anton La Vey’s Satanism and the Moonies: personal doctrine dressed up as dogma with an extra coating of ritual.

Factor in the “Holy Grail” and it has turned into a cross between Indiana Jones and Lord of the Rings. If there’s a democratic vote and everyone likes it and wants them to turn up, hey, fine. But in the spirit of freedom of speech I had to get that off my chest. For me, if you want to pay respect to Wallace’s religious beliefs then we shouldn’t be asking Templars, but asking the local religious groups (Catholic and Protestant) to conduct some kind of joint ceremony to show religious solidarity between differing positions. I think using an opportunity to highlight the ties that bind rather than fantasy history is an important point.

Mind you, chances are both Jesus and the Wallace, should their zombie corpses reanimate and perplex the world by their reappearance, would probably not like me being too lippy about the men in capes. People worship God in their own ways, and who am I to criticise? Make up your own damn mind.

In other news, Elderslie is being held. It’s run by the Wallace Society, and is a usually a great event.