Wendy Alexander: An Obituary

Would it be too tragic to quote Oscar Wilde’s Requiscat in memory of Wendy’s passing? I don’t think so. Jesus… there were some days when she faced off against Alex Salmond and the Labour Party would’ve been just as well playing a tape recording of an Elk braying in pain over an arpeggio on a Casio Keyboard. Who WOULDN’T miss that lack of ability?

To the tune of “Mandy” by Barry Manilow

Well you came when I’d bearly formed an opinion

And now they’ve sent you away, oh Wendy

And your debating skills made bush look like Oscar Wilde,

So we need you today, oh Wendy!

Naturally this was OUR entire fault. DAMN us for making strong arguments backed up by exhaustive research by qualified accountants, political theorists and BLAST our practicality and accessible political arguments. How can we sleep at night knowing that WE are helping the Scottish People help themselves and not wanting to pour gallons of Oil Revenue and filling Scottish graveyards full of Her Maj’s Weegie finest so we can continue to massacre the Iraqis, Afghans or whoever else it is this week…

“The process of successive SNP-inspired complaints and investigations has been unrelenting and will continue well into the autumn, almost a year after the initial complaint.” Part of Wendy’s resignation statement.

*Raises both fists in air in disbelief* your hands were in the Biscuit Tin, you were CAUGHT in said Biscuit Tin, and somehow this is OUR fault? Yes, yes it WAS our fault. We made that Biscuit Tin all glittery and tempting. We filled it with nice biscuits, like those pink ones you used to get off your Gran but can’t remember the name of… We even had Jaffa Cakes in that Biscuit Tin. We put it somewhere it could be seen, like in a cupboard in the Kitchen. In fact, Wendy’s right. This is a travesty of justice. We should CLEAR HER NAME forthwith. That Biscuit Tin she nicked from was shamelessly whoring itself to the planet. Fuck it, that Biscuit Tin deserved to be violated by Wendy. Give that woman a Victoria Cross for exposing that Biscuit Tin to be the shameless harlot it so patently was. She’s like Woodward and Bernstein exposing President Nixon. Wendy. Saved. Us. All. Phone up the Sun and tell them… Fuck it, phone Richard Dawkins and tell him anaw. Get Nelson Mandela involved! We’ll have a Rally, there’ll be stickers, a petition and the Clash can reform with Joe Strummer’s Zombie corpse and THEN WE’LL ALL KNOW JUST HOW BAD THIS ACTUALLY WAS!

“I have enjoyed the loyal support of my shadow ministerial team, MSPs, staff and Labour colleagues.” More from Wendy’s resignation statement

Was I the only person who read that statement above and imagined 25 Labour MSPs on the Bridge of the Death Star looking hatefully through a window at Tattooine? Them all there with their Grey Uniforms, and Darth Wendy trying to Force Choke Luke Salmondwalker somewhere on the Planet below?

“I have sought to lead Labour in the Scottish Parliament with commitment and conviction without indulging in the personal attacks which have become so fashionable in current Scottish politics.” Another snippet from Wendy’s Resignation statement

Babe, you also led Labour with a bland housewifieness I found VERY suspicious. If THAT was your commitment level then I should point out that I was smoking Skunk Cannabis when I had THAT uninspired level of commitment. That was an interesting night… I nearly committed to learning the Sitar…

“I will of course continue to represent my constituents in Paisley North for as long as they entrust me with their support.” The Final Paragraph from Wendy's statement.

I had this conspiracy theory, not that this in anyway will reduce the obvious joy-quotient of Paisley North residents knowing that Darth Wendy will still inhabit their own personal part of the universe, but this theory was that Wendy was intentionally being shit. I’m going to be honest here, I found Wendy Alexander quite fanciable for a Labour MSP. And she’s obviously a smart cookie; she’s debated well before and then became leader and turned into something that would fail an audition on Loose Women. I don’t care in my “leader of men” is in an enemy party, I want them to have more Savvy than either Jacqui Brambles or Carol McGriffin. It’s a tough rule, but a fair one, I think…

It seemed to me as if the Labour Party were intentionally throwing the Parliament. They knew their fortunes were keech UK-wide, that the Tories were on the rise in England, and so decided not to argue too hard (to avoid creating headlines) for the Parly and make all the headlines in Scotland about the UK parliament, thus undermining Devolution for the period they AREN’T in office. My thinking is this: the Labour Party thinks they’re doomed at the next General Election to the Tories. So, they undermine the value of the Scottish Parliament knowing that Cameron will be the new English Hammer of the Scots and when it comes around to the NEXT set of Scottish Parliament elections (2011) Scottish Labour can leap in as Saviors, heroes and will rescue Scotland from the inept Nationalists. With the help of those commendable Liberals, natch. All the Liberals and Labour have to do in THIS Scottish Parliament is not take it seriously, and only try and thwart the REALLY big manifesto points the SNP wants through: like the Referendum and the Local Income Tax.

As an aside: I hate Liberalism for three simple reasons. It’s passionless. It doesn’t speak from the heart. It believes in nothing. It’s this passionless, “make it up as we go” attitude that perplexes me. I want my politics to have so much passion they want me to dance naked in a field with them. I want to feel like I’m making a difference just by being on the same side as my politicians, not that I’m only there to talk about coffee mornings or deliver bland leaflets which are demographically drawn up, targeted to that specific environment and aren’t in any way controversial to anyone. Heaven forbid.

My view is that Wendy will be followed by Cathy Jamieson or some other bland clone, and then by someone else until it gets close enough to an election to field a decent candidate (Pauline McNeill, Glasgow Kelvin MSP and current Shadow Justice Meenister) and only THEN will the revolving door stop and Labour will move their proverbial car into top gear and seek to save the Scots from themselves by being, feeling, voting… BRITISH.

But this, of course, assumes Alex and Nicola aren’t going to capitalise on their current position. Presently, I don’t believe that the Labour Party HAS anyone of the calibre of either Alex or Nicola. Nicola was hypnotic at Bannockburn this year. There were rumours that Alex blew us off for a Golf lesson. If he did, props for that. It’s that kind of debonair confidence and trust in his deputy we NEED. If Salmond gets a 2010 referendum and the Local Income Tax taken seriously (it’ll never see the light of day, sorry, there are too many holes…) then the Union is scuppered and my Labour Conspiracy theory is scuppered.

And there’s politics in a nutshell: You are being played, by everyone, all the time. Every single member, never-mind every MSP, has their own agenda and playbook they’re working ALL THE TIME on YOU: Joe McPublic. Enjoying it, are we?