Dear Spammers...

Dear Spammers,

whilst I appreciate your custom there are three points I wish to make.

Firstly, whilst I appreciate the benefits of Viagra in combatting erectile disfunction, I don't suffer from this and have simply no idea why you'd think otherwise. I also know, for a fact, that you have sent the same emails to my friend Alyson. She doesn't even HAVE a penis. How you think she's about to spawn one and find out that it is not working, all on the same night, is, at best, a zillion to one shot. Seriously.

Secondly, if you are going to send me letters saying that you unfortunately have ten million US dollars in your bank and can't find a bank account to transfer it into, I know you are a lying bastard. If I found myself a job in a bank and stumbled across a surplus ten million I'd have a fair idea what to with it other than write to an anonymous blogger and donate ten percent out of the spirit of kindness. Also, you don't actually think I'm about to trust someone who has (should I go against all my natural instincts and BELIEVE your emails) stolen a copious amounts of money from his traumatised and grieving relatives.

Thirdly, the "lottery win". Em... Just how dumb do you think I am? I mean... my god, deirdre, have you nothing better to do with your time? Like my Nigerian Amigos, you clearly have ten million stashed away somewhere and just HAVE to give it to me. I understand this concept. Clearly the world has dictated that Mr. Kenny should have lots and lots of cash, just not right now and YOU are my saviour.

Thank you for your time,

etc